Samurai
Posted: 2017-07-25T12:10:03+10:00 In:

After a near drowning makes him the target of an evil spirit, an avoidant teenager must endure hellish heat when a bushfire threatens to destroy his hideout. (27)

This is a rework of my Rite of Passage story.

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    15 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      I’m quite familiar with the rite of passage scenario. ?I’ve studied it in anthropology and in drama. And I fail to see how the torment inflicted by the evil spirit constitutes a rite of passage for this teenager.

      What necessary change is he resisting?

      Where (finally and positively) is his passage going to take him? ?From what to what?

      ?

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    2. Singularity

      All the different pieces of the puzzle are not making up the picture clearly – the cause and effect relationship between the inciting incident and goal isn’t clear. You say he gains this power but, why and to what end? What MUST he do now that he has this power?

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    3. Singularity

      What incites the evil spirit to target the teen after he nearly drowns? ?I don’t get the cause-and-effect relationship. ?Why does the evil spirit want to punish the teenager for surviving?

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    4. Samurai

      I understand what you mean when you say it sounds a short. That’s why I wanted to frame this story with the story of the unorthodox priest. The teenager becomes the unorthodox priest with the power to put the FEAR OF GOD into any man.

      The theme of the story is basically that EVEN EVIL CAN DO GOOD THINGS.

      Something along those lines. Haven’t nailed it down yet.

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    5. Samurai

      He hides because he is shit scared.
      He cannot kill the creature because he is shit scared.
      So he hides until the heat from the bushfire, coupled with the return of the creature, push him to breaking point. He surrenders. He comes out of hiding completely defeated and undone by the heat and fear, ready to face whatever the creature has in store for him … only to meet another more powerful and terrifying evil spirit. This spirit helps him deal with and face the evil creature tormenting him.

      The drowning opened him up to spiritual attack and he is completely undone by it, overwhelmed by it.

      So,

      After being opened to a spiritual attack by a near drowning, a scared shitless teenager is completely overwhelmed when a bushfire forces him out of hiding to face his fear and understand the nature of his ability to participate in a kingdom that exists in this world but men do not see.

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    6. Singularity

      Is this a short film?

      If it is a short, then his action of surviving in the hide out could work, but if this is a feature then I don’t see how his action is enough to sustain the audience throughout the whole film.

      Regardless the format, I believe if you give him a more compelling goal the concept would improve. Why not make it so he must kill or banish the creature? This way his obstacle is greater and he is an active protagonist. Otherwise, he hides, the creature can’t get to him, he survives and ends the story the same way he began it, whereas good stories give the MC the ability to overcome obstacles and better their lives.

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    7. Singularity

      I do think the new attempt is better, I am not sure about the word avoidant though.?I had to look it up to find out it is Avoidant personality disorder, ?as a result you might want to use the whole term for clarity. At this point I am interested what other’s think of your new attempt.

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    8. Samurai

      I changed spirit to creature. Does it work better now? REALLY APPRECIATE your help Richiev. I’m just waiting for you to give me the go ahead now so I can get back to the writing which I’m worried is already beginning to rust.

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    9. Samurai

      Targeted by an evil creature after a near drowning, an avoidant teenager must endure hellish conditions when his hideout is threatened by a bushfire and the creature returns. (28)

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    10. Samurai

      I’m starting to think some loglines can’t be condensed to 25 words lol

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    11. Singularity

      If it’s not an average hideout… I would add that element to the logline. (Sounds important to the storyline)

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    12. Samurai

      The teenagers goal is to stay hidden from the spirit.

      And it’s not your average hideout 🙂

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    13. Singularity
      The teenager hides from the evil spirit. He hides until the bush fire forces him to leave his hideout and confront the evil spirit.
      ————————————————-

      I would add that element to the logline for clarity.

      By the way, why doesn’t the evil spirit just haunt the hideout?

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    14. Samurai

      The teenager hides from the evil spirit. He hides until the bush fire forces him to leave his hideout and confront the evil spirit.

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    15. Singularity

      There are quite a few elements in your story… however, for the logline, Your goal should relate to the inciting incident.

      Inciting incident: Targeted by an evil spirit after nearly drowning.
      Goal: Survive a brush fire.

      The goal should probably have something to do with defeating the evil spirit instead of surviving a brush fire.

      Hope that helped.

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