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DavronPenpusher
Posted: June 18, 20152015-06-18T23:58:31+10:00 2015-06-18T23:58:31+10:00In: Public

After a series of volcanic explosions and earthquakes unleashes the 'Shaadowars', a race of monsters born from the depths of the world. The human race who inhabits the world has waged a brutal war for survival. An Australian Knight unsuspectingly teams up with a young Aboriginal boy who has the key to ending the devastating war and drag the world back from darkness.

Ashes to Ashes

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    6 Reviews

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    1. Alexpsmith Penpusher
      2015-06-19T05:39:10+10:00Added an answer on June 19, 2015 at 5:39 am

      Hi…….It all sounds pretty cool…..It just needs tweaking
      Try
      When a intrinsic young Aboriginal boy meets a wounded Knight after a savage battle against a new breed of terror the “Shaadowars” they must consult the elders and banish the foreign beasts forever.

      Change the order around Flaw, Function, Insight,Goal, Shadow Stakes.
      Check mine out if u hav time 🙂 ATB

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    2. Lemmy Caution Penpusher
      2015-06-19T07:34:39+10:00Added an answer on June 19, 2015 at 7:34 am

      A few logical issues to begin with: the only current Australian Knights are Prince Philip and Peter Cosgrove, or maybe you are proposing a future or alternative reality, if so tell us. “Unsuspectingly” seems a strange adjective, unless the Aboriginal boy is in disguise… all very confusing.
      Alexpsmith suggests making the sidekick “an intrinsic young aboriginal boy”… As a first step, start with the dictionary, then the spell check (Shaadowars or Shadow Wars?) and a grammar check before offering your logline to the world.
      Finally, define your main character, main incident, the action the MC must undertake and the consequences if he/she/it fails.

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    3. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2015-06-19T10:13:41+10:00Added an answer on June 19, 2015 at 10:13 am

      I disagree with the previous post.

      The structure of a logline needs to be similar to that of the plot i.e: Inciting incident then MC then goal. In the best loglines the read emulates the emotions the story will evoke via a similar order of action and description.

      This logline is too long and uses too many words to describe superfluous story elements. No need to name the race of monsters best to use the precious logline real-estate on describing them instead.

      No need to mention that the human race inhabits the Earth this is intrinsically understood.

      Are there knights in Australia? When is the story set? Modern day or 200 years ago? I’m not sure there even were knights per say 200 years ago when Australia was first colonised but if set in modern day then perhaps make him an army sergeant or general.

      All war is devastating no need to mention this in the logline in addition to the fact that devastating is too generic a description to be effective in a logline.

      What does “…drag the world back from darkness.” mean?
      Did the monsters block out the sun? Or is this a figure of speech?
      Best to be specific in these descriptions, what will drag the world back from darkness actually look like?

      If I were to boil the story down to its bare components it would look like this:
      After a race of monsters from beneath the Earths crust wages a war against humanity a rogue general finds the solution to stopping the war in an aboriginal boy they must fight the monsters leader together.

      Hope this helps.

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    4. Hullaballoo Penpusher
      2015-06-19T10:21:04+10:00Added an answer on June 19, 2015 at 10:21 am

      Yes there are knights in Australia… sadly enough. The current Prime Minister brought the archaic system back last year and we now have several knights and dames chosen solely by him… one of which isn’t actually in Australia!

      sigh… there’s a story in that alone I guess!

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    5. Clint Cure Penpusher
      2015-06-19T14:56:49+10:00Added an answer on June 19, 2015 at 2:56 pm

      Does the Aboriginal boy even need a mention?

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    6. FFF Mentor
      2015-06-19T18:39:45+10:00Added an answer on June 19, 2015 at 6:39 pm

      Many words, but I don’t understand what a knight and an aborigenal boy must do.Beat the monsters?

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