After a young girl finds a strange red cloak that influences and changes her behavior, her twin brother must rescue her from a strange forest before she completely forgets who she is.
Alan SmitheePenpusher
After a young girl finds a strange red cloak that influences and changes her behavior, her twin brother must rescue her from a strange forest before she completely forgets who she is.
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Who’s your protagonist? The kids brother, right?
Why not rewrite it from his POV? How would it resolve? Him taking out off of her? Great stakes though.
Good Luck OrangeHand 🙂
PS. Where does the “strange forest” fits in?
The lead character would be the one with the goal.
Since the brother has the goal “Rescue his sister” the brother would be the lead character.
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“When his sister runs off to the woods after discovering a mysterious cape,? a distraught twin must discover the capes power and destroy it, if he’s to rescue his sister.”
Does this have any relationship to Little Red Riding Hood? It might not but that’s where the current logline has taken me and others may make a similar connection. Does the colour of the cloak have any meaning? What happens to the people who lose their cloaks in the games? It seems like the games might be quite important to the story so I’d potentially try and work them in.
I feel like I’d connect with this more if I knew the cape’s goal. That may sound dumb but somebody enchanted this thing – to what end? “Influences and changes” is redundant, “influences and changes her behavior” is description overkill?if all it’s doing is making her lose her memories, you could just say that, which you already do a few words later… all this is making me think there’s more to the cape than memory loss, and if so, what and why? That would help with stakes, as well. And if the cape itself is the antagonist, then we definitely need to feel like it’s not just random.