After being traumatised by domestic violence, a young teenage boy is taken on a therapy camping trip by his mother and sister to disrupt his paranoid thoughts about his father before he falls further into madness.
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After being traumatised by domestic violence, a young teenage boy is taken on a therapy camping trip by his mother and sister to disrupt his paranoid thoughts about his father before he falls further into madness.
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Potential short film idea; I’m 17 and looking at doing a little bit of screenwriting, so any feedback would be much appreciated 🙂
“After being traumatised by domestic violence, a young teenage boy is taken on a therapy camping trip by his mother and sister to disrupt his paranoid thoughts about his father before he falls further into madness.”
I see two problems immediately:
This logline doesn’t clearly identify the protagonist(s).
This logline doesn’t clearly identify the protagonist’s goal.
A third thing I notice is that you should change the inciting incident to a definite, singular event. “After being traumatised by domestic violence” can mean that after years of being abused, or it can indicate a single event. I suggest changing it to a serious, single traumatic event which causes the protagonist to take action. (Example: “After his father stabs him…”)
Also, you first mention the teenage boy, and but then go on to describe an action taken by his mother and sister. None of these characters is given a clear goal which can be visually represented. “disrupt his paranoid thoughts about his father before he falls further into madness.” isn’t something I can easily imagine.
Since the logline is labeled as ‘Horror’ I suggest including the element that would classify it as a horror film. Is there a monster( physical or imagined)?
I recommend reading through other posts and the feedback they’ve received, and trying to review other people’s loglines to better grasp how to craft one. Also check out the formula tab at the top the page.
Since it’s horror, here’s a video which discusses “Get Out” and how it deals with horror conventions.
“After discovering her husband has been secretly abusing their son, a newly divorced mother takes her reluctant child and his sister on a therapeutic?camping trip?in order to help him overcome the ordeal.”
Richiev’s suggestion is very good. Change the main character to the mother – she seems to be the most proactive character of them all. The stakes are high (her son’s sanity) and she could also feel guilty for having not done something sooner. She’s a complex character with lots to achieve and big obstacles in her way.
In response to:?After discovering her husband has been secretly abusing their son, a newly divorced mother takes her reluctant child and his sister on a therapeutic?camping trip?in order to help him overcome the ordeal.?
Since it’s labeled as a horror story, in this case I think having the protagonist be a child might work better for a seemingly more psychological horror. Also, I think this version lacks a clear, definite goal. “help him overcome the ordeal.”?Could be something that takes years, it’s an internal, non-visual goal that has no defined endpoint in the logline. A lot of people go to therapy to help their mental state – what makes this case film worthy?
In response to:??After being held at gunpoint by his father in a drunken rage, a young teenage boy wants to forget that the experience ever happened and goes on a therapy camping trip with his mother and sister, but a figure that looks like his father seems to be following him.?
Looking at this verison, the problem is that you’re attempting to use the background as the inciting incident. In this case, why he’s at therapy doesn’t necessarily matter, the inciting incident is when he thinks he sees his father. As a result of seeing his father, what does he set out to do?
I would suggest something like:?After seeing his abusive father following him at camp, a traumatized boy must ….
I assume it may be a case that he isn’t actually seeing his father, but it’s a symptom of his mental deterioration. As a result of this, what?must he do?? What is a clear, defined objective goal which would have a visual representation for the climax of the story?
I mentioned “Get Out” before. The goal of that movie? For the main character to, you guessed it, get out. He must escape from the people who are trying to harm him.