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Aidan SogueroLogliner
After blowing his investor?s money in one drunken night, a socially awkward college student struggles to produce a movie with no budget or risk being found out.
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For coming of age, usually there are more than two points or episodes or there’s one episode/story with multiple moments. But if the story remains mostly as is, something stronger still needs to connect the parts and the two parts should be stated. For example (and not trying to make it perfect):
In the shadow of his famous father, a? student director must make a million-dollar movie after blowing an investor’s money and then struggles with the fame after its unlikely success.
The thing about finding himself is that someone in a creative field usually knows that he’s creative. That’s why things were shifted with the father to make it more specific.
If he remains a student, then it’s not the same as an indie film. Though why is he a student when someone invests in him? Could this be his first project after school?
Aidan Soguero
>>>The unifying concept, and you might diss this for being cliche as well because it kind of is, is this characters coming-of-age.
On the contrary, I can see this as a coming of age story and I respect the genre. (I’m writing one myself.) Coming of age stories are about (among other things) a loss of innocence, a protagonist who learns a bitter truth about life.
Re: “Man on Fire”:
The film is a good example of a story with a strong midpoint reversal. Even so, it’s really one unified plot in terms of the emotional arc. And the mercenary’s objective goal: his job is to protect the young girl, keep her alive.
Also, as I suggest in my comment on a logline for the film, the emotional and thematic subtext — she has saved his life; now he must save hers –supercharges the film with an emotional current that raises it above being merely an action-thriller or flawed-hero-to-the-rescue film. The audience is all-in, completely invested emotionally in the struggle, rooting for, wanting the mercenary to rescue the girl.
What is there in your story that will get the audience emotionally invested? in the young man’s struggle? To achieve what overarching objective goal?
Is this a logline for marketing a finished script or are you open to adjusting the story?
Many scripts/movies have a first half that acts as a longer-than-average setup and it’s just a matter of glossing over some details that don’t seem to do anything for the logline. “After the unlikely success of his no-budget movie, a (protag)…“
However, better to take the opportunity and consider if the story is as strong as it can be.? The first half feels flat. What’s the big deal about making a movie on a shoestring budget when students do it all the time? What are the stakes? The second half has been done before, though fresh details can make it appealing.
“Social anxiety” is the clearer expression. Though is that the most significant thing about him when some form of that or something similar is assumed with a creative type?
My two cents.
I see no reason why it can’t be a self-inflicted inciting incident as a result of a character flaw.?
As an example, I would cite the inciting incident for “Lost in America”.? ?A wife loses all of her husband’s retirement savings in one all-night binge of gambling in Las Vegas.? She impulsively succumbs to a temptation she has never had before.
So he brought the inciting event upon himself. The best inciting events are done to the MC, not by the MC. Perhaps it would be better if there is another character (bad guy or gal) who causes him to lose the investor’s money?
If you? splice both acts together, what is the overarching, singular objective goal that unifies the plot?? Right now , it seems to me you’ve got a two plot concept:? one for before the film is made, another one for after.
I was hooked on the? logline you posted, unhooked by the additional story act you appended.?
Why?? Because stories about people who enjoy wild success in show business only to succumb to the siren songs of sex and drugs are a dime a dozen.? It’s so over-used,? so unoriginal, a cliche plot.
I suggest the story in the logline as posted? is the more interesting story and the one you ought to focus on and flesh out.
fwiw
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What is it about the lead character that will make the audience want to see him succeed.
He squandered his investor’s money on partying and now the audience wants to see him succeed because…?
My biggest issue with writing a logline for this film is that the first and second act both have a hook. This logline only covers the first act hook, which feels a little disingenuous to the scripts actual plot.
A logline that covers the second act hook would be: After writing and directing a successful movie, a socially awkward college student struggles to keep his friends while exploring his new world of sex and drugs.
The issue there is that this doesn’t happen until the second half of the film, so it would be unsuccessful as a logline.
Combining the two: After blowing his investor?s money in one drunken night, a socially anxious college student struggles to make his movie on shoestring budget, but when the indie-film is a big hit, he must try and keep the friends who helped him out while being swept into a new world of sex and drugs.
And the problem here is it’s too long, and arguably reveals too much of the scripts plot.
I’m excited to hear y’alls thoughts!