Human Liberation
Steven FernandezLogliner
After committing an atrocity, a true-believing champion of the Greek gods seeks redemption by hunting down a cunning, unchecked, voracious and pitiless enemy. But his quest leads him to uncover some cold truths about his masters. And the final choice he must make will shape humanity?s future for centuries to come.
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The story sounds fascinating! However your logline could use a little polishing for clarity and brevity. Is this “true-believing champion of the Greek gods” a god himself, or a man? And by “champion,” do you mean, “champion of a cause” or “champion of a contest”? Try shortening to one sentence: In the service of the Greek gods, a bold champion’s quest for redemption places in his hands a chilling secret about his masters, and the power to change humanity’s future for centuries to come.
“hunting down”: and killing or capturing?
“a cunning, unchecked, voracious and pitiless enemy”: whose enemy? Enemy of the gods? Enemy of the polis (city-state)? A personal enemy of the protagonist?
Is there a ticking clock?
What’s at stake for the protagonist personally if he fails to complete his mission of atonement?
And:
“about his masters”: so he’s a slave?
Sounds like a great script. How about:
“A condemned man seeks the forgiveness of Zeus by hunting a merciless enemy of the gods only to uncover unsettling truths that threaten the future of all mortals.”
Jayb’, I deliberately left some elements ambiguous to entice curiosity. For example, whether the protagonist is mortal or not, and in what ways is he a “champion” exactly. That said, your proposed one-sentence summary is quite good – it captures the right tone of the story. Steven.
dpg, making the nature of the “enemy” ambiguous was partly a curiosity-triggering device, but also an attempt to side-step the complications of describing this enemy who are not straightforward to explain. Your point about making the stakes more personal to the protagonist is a good one, though there is the hint that he hopes to absolve a regret he has by performing the atonement mission. So, presumably, if nothing else, failing his mission will short circuit his intention to “wash” his sin. None the less, your key point of making the stakes personal and vivid remains valid. Steven.
kjk11, your one-sentence logline is reasonable on the basis of what little the logline is specific about. But it’s not quite true to the actual story (which is no fault of your own). Steven.
Do you have a synopsis?