After dying, Psychiatrist Ray Sandler and his secretary Caroline Neuwirth discover that they have gone to Hell and not Heaven. But there is hope in the form of Ben, a demon who offers both Ray and Caroline a chance to return to Earth, but at a cost. They must agree to get souls for Hell.
drews13Penpusher
After dying, Psychiatrist Ray Sandler and his secretary Caroline Neuwirth discover that they have gone to Hell and not Heaven. But there is hope in the form of Ben, a demon who offers both Ray and Caroline a chance to return to Earth, but at a cost. They must agree to get souls for Hell.
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“After dying, Psychiatrist Ray Sandler and his secretary Caroline Neuwirth discover that they have gone to Hell and not Heaven. But there is hope in the form of Ben, a demon who offers both Ray and Caroline a chance to return to Earth, but at a cost. They must agree to get souls for Hell.”
This logline includes many many problems that go against the standard logline structure. I suggest studying the Formula tab at the top of the page, and also other people’s posts to see how they form loglines and the feedback they receive before you make another attempt.
For example, loglines don’t use the names of fictional characters. The names mean absolutely nothing to someone who doesn’t know the story, and should be replaced by describing a trait of the person. Especially a character flaw.
Another thing is that the them dying is implied by simply stating that they go to Hell.
And why does the demon need them to go get souls? Why can’t he or someone else do it? Why does anyone have to go get souls? What is the internal logic of the world you’ve developed?
The logline is labelled as Horror. But this logline does not describe a Horror situation.
Here’s an example, using some elements from your post:?After they are sent to Hell, a manipulative psychiatrist and his stubborn secretary make a deal with a demon in order to return to earth.
Along with the points above, why do they need to go back to Earth? This logline raises too many logic and world building questions.
I hope this helps.
Agree with Dkpough1. What’s the internal logic driving the deal the demon offers? Since when did Hell lack for new occupants?
Also, this version of the logline sets up a situation where the objective goal is forced upon the characters. It’s not an objective goal of their own volition. Loglines are about plots and plots are about what a character chooses to do — not about a dictate or false choice forced upon him by someone else or circumstances. So the real dramatic question that needs to be raised is: given the circumstances and the offer, what do the characters decide to do for themselves?
Or to mangle metaphors: ?the demon has given the protagonist a lemon. ?How does the protagonist choose to turn it into lemonade?
Dkpough1’s suggestion is better in the sense that the character seizes the situation rather than the situation seizing him. He fulfills the protagonist’s job description to be a?proactive character rather than a reactive one.
But either way, the goal is negative, anti-social, hardly one an audience would root for. Even in the horror genre, the audience has to have somebody to root for, to hope he or she will overcome every obstacle and threat and ultimately prevail. Who is the audience supposed to root for in this story?
I am not sure why we would root for these characters.
If you are going to have a lead character do something really bad… then they must have a strong goal they desire to accomplish even more.
For instance if the lead character agreed to get 10 souls, in exchange for his wife’s (Who he loves more than anything) release from hell, then we could pull for the lead character, because even though he is doing a terrible thing, he is doing it for a noble purpose.
Please read the ‘Formula’ tab on the top bar.
Simple rule : event – character – action. No names, never, ever. It sounds like it would be interesting if Ben was the protagonist, because you don’t want to write about two protagonists – especially as a newbie. So, why does Ben want souls? he’s lonely? The deserving hell types are soooo predictable? This is Ben’s story. If you changed his name to Stu you could call the screenplay Stu Alone.
Try this: “When a couple enter?Hell and turn ?heads because it was an obvious error, a lonely demon longing for better friends?notices their goodly people-filled rolodexes, so?he presents an offer guaranteeing redirection?to Heaven, but with a ?caveat because?they would have to deliver heavenly souls in a manner that would NOT make them?deserving of Hell.”
A fantastic setup! It’s a really long logline now – but you get the picture. It could be a comedy too.