(Re-post) Post civil war, after escaping a vicious gang of ex-confederates running a slave camp in a sequestered stronghold in the mountains, an ex-union soldier seeks to return and free everyone there.
joseph_evans50Logliner
(Re-post) Post civil war, after escaping a vicious gang of ex-confederates running a slave camp in a sequestered stronghold in the mountains, an ex-union soldier seeks to return and free everyone there.
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I went back to look at your previous logline attempt in order to compare this one to that one and it is exactly the same,
I can’t tell if you haven’t changed your logline, or if you updated the previous attempt to reflect the new changes to your logline.
The wording of this logline makes it hard to understand.
I think you mean that the ex-soldier is attacked by a gang – this is your out of the ordinary, world shattering, inciting incident and should be described as such from the MC’s point of view. So, instead of stating that he escaped an attack, describe the attack itself, i.e: After he is attacked by a gang of outlaws, an ex-confederate soldier must…
The brother and other soldiers are seemingly irrelevant, they’re allies and can be cut from the logline. The best loglines focus on the MC and his or her actions – nothing else.
So how does he plan on catching the gang? Will he set a trap? Will he gun them down?
Lastly, which is his primary goal, the bounty or revenge?
The movie The outlaw Josey Wales has a similar concept.
After he is left for dead by a posse of rustlers, an ex-confederate solder hunt them for the bounty on their head.
Why an ex-confederate?? Why not an ex-Union soldier?
Being an ex-confederate means he fought on the wrong side for the wrong cause. Why should an audience root for someone who fought to keep Blacks oppressed and exploited?
In time past there?have been westerns with ex-Confederate protagonists.? Like “The Outlaw Josey Wales” and “The Searchers”.
But these are? “woke times”.? Ex-confederate characters no longer get a free pass.
?
I agree with dpg. Personnally I would even go further in changing the hero from an ex-confederate to a former slave ?who fought in the union side but has now been betray by it. So he is an outsider for both side. He is using the fact that he is a bounty hunter as an excuse to settle old score.
When his wife and child are killed in an racist attack, a freed slave discharged after the U.S civil war becomes a bounty hunter and hunt down the men responsible.
This reads somewhat clunky and not very unique story-wise.
My take:
A civil-war soldier must recruit help to seek justice against the vicious gang that has left him for dead.
The concept has improved but the logline still needs work – there’s too much in it that doesn’t directly relate to the plot.
Here is a cleaned up version of your logline:
Post civil war, after escaping a slave camp run by?ex-confederates, an ex-union soldier gathers his former brothers in arms to attack the camp and free the other survivors.