THE OUTSKIRTS
After falling victim to a humiliating prank by the high school Queen Bee, best friends and world-class geeks, Mindy and Jodi, decide to get their revenge by uniting the outcasts of the school against her and her circle of friends.
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I would take out “world-class geeks” because the fact they were already targeted by a “Queen Bee” gives that pictuure.
I’m unclear as to what the goal is. They unite some people … then what? What am I watching? Am I watching some gruesome horror film about a schoolful of kids torturing the cool kids? Am I watching “Drive Me Crazy”, and the bit where they broadcast video of the “in” kids behaving badly so everyone can see how broken they are? What is the goal? What are the stakes of failure?
The premise is another episode in the perennial adolescent class war between the Ins and the Outs. Hence, the working title “Outskirts”, I presume. It’s antecedents go back to at least “The Revenge of the Nerds” (1984). What’s changed is the setting (high school rather than college) and the sex of the principals.
The situation of the Outs has universal appeal. And there are so many familiar social situations, school events to chose from in plotting revenge. So what is the unique hook to this story? What is the specific objective goal, the plan (means) to achieve the desired subjective goal (revenge)?
I’m fine with geek, but I think making them “world-class” shrinks the perceived challenge faced by the protagonists, making it seem like there’s less conflict.
dpg, in the case of “The Big Bang Theory”, both the writing and the acting are brilliant – second to none. It’s not clear to me that it would have succeeded if both were mediocre, especially amongst the general TV audience. Granted that most of the show’s viewers do not truly get all the fine points of science, sci fi, comic books, etc, that are so finely satirised. But, even so, I submit that the unique combination of great writing and great acting is what enables even a ‘beef jerky eater’ to appreciate the show. I have genuine doubts that – fundamentally – the set up of a bunch of geeks failing to get girls and get the world of ‘normals’ would make for a lasting show, season on season, in lesser hands. For example, Australian.
I see no problem with describing them as geeks and fail to see how it undermines reader sympathy. In the US TV market, “The Big Bang Theory”, populated by world-class geeks, has been a hit TV series for 6 years. After a slow start it has also become a popular series in Canada, the United Kingdom, and Australia.
Despite the lack of streamlining in the logline, the fundamental story concept ought to really work. As it incorporates the classic motifs of rebellion and misfits uniting to overthrow a tyranny.
I do, however, question the use of the phrase “world-class geeks” here. As it creates a put down affect on the two protagonist girls. And so undermines reader empathy for them. A more sympathetic description of the two girls would be far better. For example, “bookish intellectuals”, or “shy wallflowers”, or “uber technophiles”, or “obsessive hobbyists”, or whatever.
Finally, the logline could do with a bit of sharpening. For example, instead of the clunky “against her and her circle of friends” at the end, the ‘closer’ could simply have been “against the in crowd”.
Steven Fernandez (Judge)