Battle Cry
Alan SmitheePenpusher
After fighting in WWII, a man returns home to his family. However, suffering from PTSD, he doesn't know how to live a normal life and only uses his piano to cope with his problems until he meets a woman who shows him how to be happy.
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Thanks for the input guys! Nicholas, what I was intending with the piano is that since he can’t deal with the real world, the piano is his escape. But overcoming his PTSD is a central conflict so I agree with the second streamlining you put it through: A recently returned WWII veteran struggles to overcome his PTSD in order to be with the woman he loves.? However, I wanted the family aspect to be emphasized because part of the character’s struggle is losing the family he once loved due to the PTSD since they can’t handle dealing with him anymore and he is at his lowest, and that’s where this woman comes in who shows him how to be happy. But there is the problem that “shows” makes him a passive character, so I don’t know how to describe the way that she would indirectly show him how to be happy while still learning for himself.
Streamline even further: “A WWII vet finds refuge from PTSD in his piano – until he meets a woman who shows him how to be happy.”
My problem with it is that as a concept it sounds derivative (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing) but yet terribly boring. The piano/war thing has been done in THE PIANIST – but there the stakes were so much higher, a Jew hiding from Nazis in the ruins of occupied Poland, who maintains his sanity by PRETENDING to play the piano… What are the stakes in this one? What does the veteran stand to lose? It seems like a drama-free second act – the veteran returns from the war, isn’t happy, so he plays some piano (very nicely, presumably) and then a woman (who I imagine quite likes piano music) shows up and makes him happy. There’s no physical goal in the construct, no dramatic question to be answered. With the title BATTLE CRY the audience is going to be sorely disappointed when nothing happens. For an hour and a half.
I’m with Nicholas – A recently returned WWII veteran struggles to overcome his PTSD in order to be with the woman he loves.? Now that at least sounds like a movie.
This logline stuff is hard, right? But a great way of testing the story concept.
I think Nicholasandrewhalls has tightened this one up nicely with both of his suggested loglines above – as he states depending on the angle that is required. I prefer the second one – while being happy is all we really do need to strive for in life – it’s not a compelling enough reason for most to speed to their local Westfield to part with their hard earned. But good luck – I’m sure it will be more dialogue driven than the ‘first’ (hint) PTSD movie that comes to mind !
This feels like it can be streamlined. Same concepts, just fewer words.
“A recently returned WWII veteran suffering PTSD struggles with his return to society until he meets a woman who shows him how to be happy.”
However, the hook in your original logline is the fact that he uses a piano to cope. Without giving away TOO much more information, perhaps you could define more clearly in the logline how the piano helps him?
In both yours and my version of the logline, we’ve said that the woman “shows” him how to be happy. This implies that once they meet, he becomes a passive character, which threatens to make the story less interesting. Maybe there could be a clearer way to express this.
Is the PTSD just a character trait, or is it also the central conflict of the film? Because if it’s the central conflict, and not just a peripheral obstacle, it’s probably worth rewording to clarify. “A recently returned WWII veteran struggles to overcome his PTSD in order to be with the woman he loves.”
Also worth noting – I’m not a professional screenwriter, just an enthusiastic amateur, so please only take the above as opinion. Regards.