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mateekaqPenpusher
After her teenage sister commits a sudden suicide, an anxiety-disordered young woman returns to her childhood home and begins to discover family secrets that lead her to investigate the tragedy.
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Though I’m not comfortable with the phrase “anxiety-disordered” (and not sure why) here is the lean version of what you told us.
“After her teenage sister commits suicide, an anxiety-disordered woman returns home to discover family secrets that … .”
I’m a fan of the 30 word logline so you have 14 words to tell us more … and you need to. I don’t need to know that it ‘lead her to investigate the tragedy’. That connection was sub-textually drawn. Tell me something that will make me curious about this story.
Ah, back to the disorder. I’m picturing a female Adrian Monk. But it took a while. Which is why I’m thinking it could be nailed down a better term or description… or maybe I’m just slow.
Good luck with this.
I’m 100% agree with the previous comment.
Investigate and discover secrets are the same thing from a logline POV.
A sister returns to investigate her suicide and discovers….
What does she want?
What is stopping her?
What was the impact on her?
In story characters don’t begin to do something they just do it.
So instead of “…and begins to discover family secrets?” try “?discovers family secrets?”. However discovering family secrets is a vague description of what she finds out. If this is a crucial piece of information that motivated her sister to kill herself then specify what it is.
There is little cause and effect between the inciting incident her sister commuting suicide and her action to travel home. Better to jump strait to the action that is directly related to the event that is her investigating the tragedy.
The character flaw “… anxiety-disordered?” doesn’t read well perhaps try anxiety ridden or OCD instead.
Hope this helps.
Yes I agree, please tell us more to pique our interest. I feel like there is a twist that you are really holding back on telling us what it is. I have heard it said that you do want to reveal the twist in the log line. Because a producer does not want to read the entire script in order to find out what it is.
As written the logline suggests two inciting incidents: 1] the suicide. 2] the discovery. Only the latter leads to the main plot line: investigating the tragedy. IOW, taking this logline literally, if there was a suicide — but no discovery — would the sister investigate her sister’s death?
Or is the story line that the suicide itself triggers the sister into investigating the tragedy — and as a result of that skeletons start falling out of the family closet?
>>sudden suicide
Independent of ideation, the act itself is often impulsive so it is sufficient to just say “suicide”.
>>anxiety-disordered
Why not grief-stricken instead? Then there would be a more emotionally direct cause-and-effect relationship between the suicide and going home. [The surviving sister’s own disorders could be a complicating factor in the story and the grief could compound her mental affliction.]
Thanks for your input everyone! The suicide does lead the main character to begin looking into her sister’s life. She discovers that her sister was living a secret life as part of an online sex trafficking ring that could have landed her in trouble, putting the “suicide” in question. I’m going to rework this thing now!
DPG specified a fundamental problem with the concept and if you are re working the concept best to start with this problem.
Is this story about her dealing with her sister’s death or about her stopping the sex trafficking ring?
I find the later more interesting as it has far more potential for plot development.