Samurai
Posted: 2019-03-10T05:08:04+10:00 In:

After her village is massacred, a woman travels to a remote temple to train so she can destroy her enemies and avenge her people.

After her village is massacred, a woman travels to a remote temple to train so she can destroy her enemies and avenge her people.
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    4 Reviews

    1. Logliner

      You?ve actually got three goals for your hero – to travel, to train, and to avenge. You can have all of those in your story but your logline needs to focus on the primary goal. And, as others have said, tell us what?s at stake if the hero fails.

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    2. Singularity

      Totally agree with variable and Richiev.

      It’s pretty close though. Variable makes a valid point about the vengeance angle. If they’re all dead then the only thing at stake is her life. Consider, as an alternative, something like she trains then travels to the next village to stop the bad guys destroying another community.

      Richiev highlights that calling her simply “woman” gives us the bare minimum to understand this character. You have reduced this character to a gender and that’s it. We can already establish that from your use of “her village”. Imagine someone referring to you as simply “man” or “woman”. Would you not be thinking that you’re more than that? Tell us something that makes us understand who she is but remember that it must be relevant to the story.

      Hope this helps.

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    3. Singularity

      A few specifics will help. But this logline isn’t that far off.

      “When her village is massacred (By this bad dude/antagonist/Ninja’s/evil organization) a (Give us an adjective here) woman travels to a remote (Shaolin/Buddhist/give us a name) temple to train (In the art of this fighting style) so she can face the (specific antagonist) and avenge her people.”

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    4. Uberwriter

      The action “..travels to a remote temple to train..” is taking away from her goal to “..avenge her people”. To travel to the temple seems more primary here. The obstacle between her and the temple seems to be the story. If that is intended, it lacks the necessary conflict, i.e., What’s stopping her from reaching the temple/ What’s preventing her from training?
      The trick lies in justifying the jump you create in narrative when she reaches the temple to train, which I guess happens well after 50 percent of the film. How do you plan to pull that off?

      One more thing. To avenge her people are not the best stakes. It wouldn’t harm her not to avenge her people, it’s not like she MUST avenge them or else…
      (They’re dead. What can she do to change that? Unless you want to write along the lines of fantasy, like something in the temple to bring them back..)

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