The Heist
IvyEight6Penpusher
After his daughter who is a schoolteacher disappeared unexpectedly, a police officer has 3 hours to stop terrorists from blowing up the U.S. Capitol building.
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The terrorists part sort of comes out of nowhere.
1: You start with his daughter disappearing, so you think that’s what the story will be about.
2: Then you tell us the police officer committed a robbery. Okay, so that is what the story is about.
3: Then out of nowhere, you say he must stop some terrorists.
So my logline suggestion would be, to explain how these three seemingly separate events relate to the ultimate goal of the lead character.
Do you want to revise it?
What’s the ultimate goal of your main character (police officer)?
Rescuing his daughter? Stopping the terrorists? Rescuing himself after the robbery?
Stopping the terrorists and rescuing his daughter.
“When his daughter is kidnapped by terrorists, a corrupt cop has 3 hours to stop them from blowing up the lincoln memorial with his daughter and other hostages inside.”
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1: There is a difference between someone going missing and someone being kidnapped by terrorists, by saying kidnapped now we can link the daughter to the terrorists in the logline.
2: I added 3 hours, but that was just a guess, however, you should give us a ticking clock in your logline; as in the lead character has (This much time) to rescue his daughter before she is blown up.
3a: I named the target (Lincoln memorial) because Terrorists usually choose high profile targets, so you should tell us what specific building the terrorists plan to destroy, is it Grand central station, is it the museum of natural history? Then you should have the daughter be at that building.
3b: In other words, you say the terrorists are going to blow up ‘A Building’ which isn’t very specific, but if you are going to write about terrorists, even as the antagonists, you have to think like a terrorist. What building would make the most impact, get the most media attention, and cause the most panic, because that would be the target a terrorists would choose.
3c: also, if the terrorists plan to blow up a museum or a famous monument, you should have the daughter be a school teacher with a bunch of kids on a field trip.
Then when the terrorist shows up, she and the children are taken hostage and the ‘B’ storyline is about her and the children trying to escape while at the same time her father uses all his dirty cop tricks to try to rescue them.
Anyway, just some suggestions. Connect the daughter to the terrorist in the logline, name the building to give the reader a visual, and if it fits your story, add a ticking clock.
Hope this helps.
I made a couple of changes.