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blossomingscriptsPenpusher
After his girlfriend breaks up with him because he acts too ?white,? a bookish African-American teenager seeks guidance from his estranged, drug-dealing older sister on how to reinvent his image and win back the love of his life.
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The idea has potential as a coming of age story about a boy-man’s quest for his identity (and love) as a teen and as an Afro-American. But, alas, the logline is about a setup for a plot — it does not describe a plot itself.
For the purposes of a logline, the concept needs to outline a plot, one that addresses the following questions: As a result of the advice he gets, what does he do? What becomes his objective goal? Who/what opposes him? What’s at stake — what does he stand to gain or lose (like winning back his girlfriend)?
“My fair homeboy”
Nice step up with lots of comic potential but as DPG said needs a clearer plot. Using specific terms and descriptions what is it he must do exactly and is there another guy his girlfriend is interested in that could possibly become the antagonist?
For some reason I think it could be really funny and interesting if he needs to beat the other guy or win a free style rap contest. As an art form that both white and black artists (but predominantly black) compete in it could prove to be a good way for him to prove himself with lots of awkward and inappropriate humour.
Or could it be that he wants to ask her to marry him but on account of her parents he must prove him self?
Otherwise the logline is too wordy and describes many things that don’t as many words for example:
After losing his girlfriend on account of his white nature a bookish afro-American must?.
Lastly Richiev nailed the title that is perfect.
Hope this helps.
appreciate all the feedback!