Samurai
Posted: 2013-10-02T14:45:41+10:00 In:

After learning she has inherited her famous poker champion Father?s debt to the Mafia, a straight laced school teacher sets out to become the world?s first female world series of poker champion.

One Red Queen

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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Tony Edward:

      My remarks about stakes and the stakes character were made in the context of a quote I recently re-read by Steven Spielberg, to the effect, that the best movies are redemption movies. Somebody is trying to rescue someone else. More than that, they are also rescuing themselves, physically, in terms of the objective goal, and morally, in terms of the subjective goal.

      As I said I like the kernel of the premise, your protagonist, and hope you will push some chips into the pot on the concept.

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    2. Samurai

      Thanks dpg — you’re absolutely right — I threw this up very quickly (just at logline/ concept stage atm…), and the whole Mafia angle was definitely a quick fix. This, coupled with the protag’s description of ‘straight laced’ reads as a lazy logline, but you’ve given me some good food for thought.

      Another idea I’ve had is of her Father being a FAILED poker pro — maybe poker/ gambling destroyed the family — hence her being completely (at first) against the ‘sport’ (hence my first pass at a description of her as ‘straight laced’, when what I really meant is that she is someone that would never play poker…)… but now I just need to find a suitable catalyst — maybe if Dad is dying..? Not sure. I’ll continue to hammer it out.

      Thanks again.

      …and by the by — I also wanted to thank you for the feedback on ‘Selfie’ — I appreciated your feedback, which also gave me a good laugh — and I actually wrote you a reply, in fact, a freaking behemoth of a reply… I went in to edit it (well… to trash my reply) and inadvertently ended up sending the logline to trash by mistake… doh…. or maybe not… ;0

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    3. Singularity

      Tony Edward:

      The basic ingredients are there. I am particularly hooked by the 2nd half of the logline “a straight laced school teacher sets out to become the world?s first female world series of poker champion”.

      But I’m not as hooked on the inciting incident “After learning she has inherited her famous poker champion Father?s debt to the Mafia”. I see its utility, a force majeure trigger event– an offer she can’t refuse — but it seems somewhat conventional. (It is my impression that in this precinct gangsters, the mob, seem to be an all-purpose, go-to triggering agent and/or antagonist.)

      Further, I don’t see a casual connection between the inciting incident (or agent) and a character flaw on her part. (I am inclined to view “straight laced” as a defining characteristic, not a character flaw. Indeed, it might even be a character strength: being able to play her emotions close to her bosom is good preparation for playing her emotions — and her cards — close to her bosom in poker.)

      And further, it would strengthen my emotional investment in the story if there was a stake character or cause. But the one likely stakes character is deceased: her father. If the triggering agent has to be the mob, what if they are holding him for ransom – for the debt he owes under pain of death if she can’t come up with the money in X number of days (the ticking clock)?

      Anyway, as I said, I think the character and her situation have potential. Best wishes with the concept.

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