After leaving prison, two aging con men go straight by opening a coffee shop but get pulled into mob-like turf war with the other caf?s in a small seaside town.
JBLogliner
After leaving prison, two aging con men go straight by opening a coffee shop but get pulled into mob-like turf war with the other caf?s in a small seaside town.
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Excellent. It clearly states the protagonist, their goal and the obstacles in their way. It definitely intrigues one to imagine the different scenarios, even comedic that can arise from the situation. One can wonder, that is what one wants the reader to do, how they will be challenged and how they will survive. If your aim is to have them running all the mafias (the opposite of their goal),? then you should include this as the main twist and conclusion to the story.
Yes a turf war between ?coffee shops can be funny and original. As a logline, I miss a clear inciting event (what is the first act of war?). I wonder if opening the coffee shop can be the inciting event. And I miss a goal and clear stakes. How does the fact that they are con men affect tge story? It seems to me that this help them to win the war, or do they learn that a clean business is harder than they thought… in other words, what is the main conflict?
More often than not lengthy constructive and well thought out responses are misunderstood, and perceived by the logliner as a negative attitude on the reviewer’s behalf. Nothing could be further from the truth, as most of the reviewers dedicate time to read and understand your loglines and in their own way help out. What is seen as negative could just be a rushed response that mentions key points, still helpful and considerate though.
About this logline. It reads as if them getting pulled into the turf war is the inciting incident, best to bring this in earlier and, as DPG mentioned, give them a goal.
If this is a dual protagonist plot then their outer journey should be the same where as their inner journeys can be different from each others, as a result of this best to mention the outer journey only. If you try and describe an inner journey for each character, the logline will be rather long and possibly confusing.
My try:
After two ex cons go strait as caffe shop owners, they get caught up in a coffee turf war and must win the national barista Olympics to prove their mochachino-frappe-latte is the top dog of all coffees.
What is their goal? Who’s trying to stop them and what happens if they fail?
Could it be that they want to spend the rest of their lives in freedom?
Maybe there’s an overzealous parole officer keen on putting them back behind bars for the slightest infraction of the law, possibly even trying to find a reason even if there isn’t any?
I think this has real potential because of the target demographic audience, which s is out there? and growing as the Boomers retire, but is?woefully?under served by? the film industry.
Also there’s can be?substantive ?jeopardy and stakes because the odds are against well-aged ex-cons being able make a go of it on the outside.? The burden of their criminal past, their lack of skills for the jobs that didn’t even exist when they went in, etc.
So I think?it’s a?concept with real promise. But… it needs one more element.? It needs ?an objective goal.
What must?the ex-cons DO?when they find themselves caught in the cross-fire of the turf war?? It places them in a real dilemma. Do they revert to their old ways in order to survive?? Stay on the strait and narrow?? Or..?
The reason a logline needs a clear-cut objective goal is so that film producers can sense? that the story?doesn’t?pull a bait and bomb on them.??That is, the logline baits?them with a? strong first act premise,?but when they read the script, the story bombs in the 2nd act.? All because the writer hasn’t??delivered on the potential, the promise,?of his premise with a?well thought out ?plot.??
I think you’ve got a good premise– the first?30 pages.? But what kind of action can you promise? in the next 60 pages.? What is their objective goal? What is the plot?
fwiw