After losing everything in a battle that he thought was to the death, The Gambler Fox is teleported from Mystic Post Medieval Ireland to Modern Day Las Vegas, Fox must learn to survive and live with a different type of people while looking for the one, Raven, who took everything from him and try to keep his reborn love, Vivian, from being killed a second time.
LeviathanSamurai
After losing everything in a battle that he thought was to the death, The Gambler Fox is teleported from Mystic Post Medieval Ireland to Modern Day Las Vegas, Fox must learn to survive and live with a different type of people while looking for the one, Raven, who took everything from him and try to keep his reborn love, Vivian, from being killed a second time.
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Let’s try this one, hopefully a little more detailed, yet simple.
When a gambler from Mystic Post Medieval Ireland wakes up from a time jump, he must learn to live in modern day Las Vegas to stop a witch before she destroys his world.
I’m missing something, but I know it’s getting better.
Focus on his emotional need.
Transported through time to modern Las Vegas a medieval man must find his reborn lover to prevent her murder a second time.
Everything else is obvious really. An medieval man would have to learn to live in a modern world etc. your reader will see that, no need to underline it.
Hope it helps.
Agreed with DPG in regards to the revised version of the logline.
Why MUST he look for his archenemy? The reason, or cause and effect relationship between the events, is unclear.
What will he do when he finds him? The goal is vague, it’s not clear how he will deal with the enemy he could need to kill his enemy or have them arrested to save his love. The lack of a specific goal renders the plot unclear.
Taking the 2nd version at face value, assuming for a moment I? have not read the original:
>>>After a Gambler is teleported to Las Vegas
Why would a gambler have to be teleported to? Las Vegas?? That’s a default location where gamblers hang out — no magic required.?
And how/by whom?? And why? What stakes does the “magic maker” have in the outcome?
>>>?archenemy
Vague.? Archenemy how?? In poker games???
Also,? it’s not clear who threatens the life of his “reborn love”.? The archenemy or someone else?
And “reborn love” is? vague, needs fleshing out.? It’s not obvious she’s been literally “reborn”.? And the fact that she has been reborn (from the 1st version)? raises other questions requiring exposition.
And that is what I see as a fundamental problem with the premise:? it’s too darn complicated.? There is too much backstory that has to be played out and explained before the real plot — in the present tense, in Las Vegas — kicks in.? In fact, it seems to me that the backstory in “post medieval Ireland” might stand on its own dramatic legs, as an “origin story”, a film of its own.
What’s the story hook for the audience? More to the point, what’s the psychological hook for you — why do you want to tell this story??What is the theme you wish to explore? What is your story really about?
fwiw
Richiev is right. It is rather long, but this is only the rough draft to see if people are interested in this kind of plot. I found out too late that adding names is a bad idea for multiple reasons. Definitely a learning curve.
Here is a more suitable draft I think, but still needs some work.
“After a Gambler is teleported to Las Vegas, he must look for his archenemy while keeping his reborn love alive.”
Still needs work, but what I have so far.
Agreed with Richiev. You have multiple inciting incidents and way too many words in the logline.
Best you check out the ‘Formula’ tab on the top bar for basic logline conventions.
You don’t need to mention names, just character descriptions. More to the point, calling the MC “…Fox…” and his or her opponent “…Raven…” makes it sound as if they are animals, but they’re described as human – this is confusing.
You need to simplify the descriptions in the logline to clear, simple and plot-critical only. Best you rethink this in terms of plot, and identify one inciting incident and one correlating goal.
One of the reasons your logline is so long is because you give us two inciting incidents;
The first is surviving the battle to the death, the second is being transported to modern-day Las Vegas,
However, as I continue reading your logline I realized that neither one of them are actually your inciting incident. Apparently, the’ antagonist’ killed his love (Vivian) earlier in the story but you fail to mention it in the logline…
If the goal of your character is to save Vivian?from being killed again, then the inciting incident would be when she is killed the first time.
I forgot to add the word “where” between “Las Vegas, Fox.” Modern Day Las Vegas where Fox must learn to survive and live. Thank you for your comments.