After losing her partner in dance competition and being stuck in physical therapy for her injuries, the girl must find another partner to win the upcoming competition in which her coach suggested a perfectly skilled street fighter with no dance experience.
LeviathanSamurai
After losing her partner in dance competition and being stuck in physical therapy for her injuries, the girl must find another partner to win the upcoming competition in which her coach suggested a perfectly skilled street fighter with no dance experience.
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The story is hard to gauge from the logline, I think it’s because you have too many unrelated details.
Cut the first mention of a dance comp and physical therapy beats – they are backstory and add very little to the plot. The main plot point is that she loses her partner, that’s the inciting incident and the only thing needed to set up the plot.
“…the girl…” is a very bad way to introduce your MC. ‘the’ implies that the reader should already know who she is but since you haven’t mentioned her until then it comes across as confusing and ‘girl’ (you have no idea how often we comment on this) is too generic for a logline. What is her major flaw? Use that to describe her instead of ‘girl’.
Why would her coach recommend a partner with absolutely no dancing experience or demonstrated skill?? That doesn’t compute in my dramatic calculus.? Is he deliberately trying to sabotage her?? Is he the villain, a wolf in sheep’s clothing?
Who is the villain, anyway?? Who is her chief rival?? The plot needs one.
And what’s at stake?? What’s at risk?? ?Why MUST she win?? Consider the wonderful Australian movie “Strictly Ballroom” (1992).? The stakes are that the talented protagonist wants to dance his own moves rather than submit to the? rules of the dancing federation.??But if he does, he risks destroying his career.
The overarching principle? at stake is freedom of expression versus cowardly conformity to the rigid, arbitrary rules of the establishment.? ?That’s? a principle an audience can root for.?
What overarching principle is there in this premise for an audience to root for?? Why should an audience want her to win?
It seems to me it would be a more interesting story if the street fighter steps up unbidden, volunteers to be her partner.? And after a period of debate and indecision,? the girl accept his offer in spite of her coach’s opposition? — not because of his recommendation.? That inherently intensifies the dramatic conflict.
fwiw
Okay, so there a few things odd here.
The first sentence confused me. What do you mean ‘lost’? Did he die? Did he go out for a smoke and couldn’t find the door back in? Also, what on earth happened to her to give her injuries? As someone else said, this sounds like un-necessary backstory, and at this point is more distracting than helpful.
What really interests me is the street-fighter. This sound like a lot more interesting story to me. How on earth does a street-fighter end up in a dance contest? That’s a story I’d like to know more about.
After losing the dance competition, a young ambitious woman finds herself set up with a impulsive street fighter by her coach to win the next upcoming event.
I felt like this logline is more clear, probably still a little bit long, but more detailed, involved and open. Hopefully everyone approves. I look forward to the comments.
>>>After losing the dance competition, a young ambitious woman finds herself set up with a impulsive street fighter by her coach to win the next upcoming event.
The logline defines her in a weak, passive role, the victim of circumstances and her coach who is making decisions she should be making for herself. A??protagonist should be proactive.? By definition,? a protagonist decides her own objective goal; the plot shouldn’t delegate that job to someone else.
(And it still doesn’t make sense why the coach would pick for her a partner with no previous experience — unless he’s deliberately trying to sabotage her chances.)
>>So it would better to make it like he suggested it rather than chose.
I’m suggesting it’s better yet if it’s not the coach’s idea at all.? He doesn’t suggest it, doesn’t like it when that is the choice she makes.
I think you’re overlooking the more obvious flaw he could have — he’s an authoritarian, by-the-rule-book coach.? Perhaps an emotionally abusive one.? Perhaps a coach who sexually exploits his students? — a problem that has been revealed to be all too pervasive in coaching.
Her subjective need is to defy him, assert her autonomy, escape his emotional and sexual abuse.
Again, I do not comprehend the logic in having the coach select an untested street fighter other than that he wants to sabotage her prospects.
Dance-Fu