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sek505Logliner
After rescuing a baby found outside of her family’s cabin,? an apathetic teen must shelter him from the approaching blizzard and fend off relentless attacks from his monstrous, “Parent,” until the storm passes.
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I am unapathetic about the use of the term “apathetic”.
I suggest that in a logline when a character is tagged with a character flaw, it should be a flaw that will handicap his ability to succeed, that should plague him until at least the 3rd Act.
So taking this logline at face value, the kid is going to rescue a baby — but remain apathetic, “whatever man”. There’s an approaching blizzard — but he? so what? He remains apathetic about it.? He must fend off numerous attacks from some kind of monstrous “parent” — but, hey, he’s not just cool and calm about the attacks, he doesn’t give a damn, he remains apathetic.
That just doesn’t isn’t credible and I’m guessing that isn’t your intention.? But I can’t read your mind; I can only read the words in the logline.
I suggest tagging him with a character flaw that will handicap him up until at least the 3rd Act.? A flaw that he must come to realize and overcome in order to prevail.? Not a transient flaw that will evaporate as soon as the plot kicks into 2nd gear.
Take Rick in “Casablanca”.? In Act 1 he declares the doesn’t stick his neck out for anyone. Does he drop that attitude as soon as Elsa appears in his gin joint toward the end of Act 1?? Begin to stick his neck out for others or for a great cause?
No.?
He digs in, refuses to help her and her husband get the letters of transit they need to flee the Nazis.? He doesn’t stick his neck out until the 3rd Act.
fwiw
It’s an interesting premise but is slightly obscured by the wordiness (if that’s a word…) of the logline.
Word count aside, the nature of the monstrous parent needs to be clear for the stakes to be clear. Is the parent a psychotic killer? None humane? A werewolf? A vampire? A shapeshifter? Who or whatever the monster is will determine the type of story and struggle the teen will have. Accordingly, we the readers will understand what he or she MUST do to save the baby – “…fend off…” could mean any number of things…
I think this is really interesting logline.
Usually, ambiguity is not advised. In this case, however, the language used, and the speech marks spark so much interest that I want to read more. Really interesting approach.
I do have a couple of questions though:
How do we know this monstrous “parent” is the baby’s parent? If it’s immediately obvious, then I worry that the teen is then stopping a parent from having its child back… not the best from an empathy side. However, if the baby and the parent are visually different enough (caterpillar and butterfly for example), then I wonder if “parent” should be in the logline since that is almost the reveal. The monster simply wanted their child back.
Sparks an interesting discussion about whether the logline should be written from the viewpoint of the protagonist and only what they see, or if it should be from an outsider’s perspective. The audience is aware the monster is the parent but the protagonist is not.
Personally, I think the logline is stronger for this approach but I would maybe tweak to make sure the protagonist is unaware of this fact.
I’ve made assumptions about your idea based on this logline – the baby isn’t a human baby , the monstrous “parent” is a monster. I’d be intrigued to see if others make these same assumptions and also to hear if these assumptions are correct.
A few minor things:
Once the storm passes, it doesn’t resolve the issue of the baby and the monster. The teen wouldn’t just put the baby back after the storm. Does the first attack happen at the Act I climax? Or is that perhaps the discovery that the baby isn’t a baby? Maybe consider an MPR.
Apathetic – As soon as the teen takes the baby inside, where does she go (arc-wise)?
I’d maybe say, rather than “fend off”, “protect from”. I think it’s stronger.
Very intrigued to see where this goes. I agree with Richiev, tweaks not an overhaul.
Hope this helps.
I think all the elements are there, as for me personally, and in the case of this logline, I assume the things I don’t know nor understand, (Like the monstrous parent) will be fully explained in the actual script.
So if you make any changes, make sure they are more like tweaks than a major overhaul.