Touched by his family’s grief, a deceased, self-centred college graduate has three days until his funeral to show his family how much they mean to him too so he can have peace in the afterlife.
Mike PedleySingularity
Touched by his family’s grief, a deceased, self-centred college graduate has three days until his funeral to show his family how much they mean to him too so he can have peace in the afterlife.
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It’s a bit hard to get a good grasp on this concept – The MC is deceased AND is in limbo AND has three days before his funeral to do what he can to ensure a peaceful afterlife. There are established guidelines for the concept of the afterlife and you’ve made up a new rule that at the funeral the deceased will be judged or in some other way given the opportunity to be peaceful. In addition, the inciting incident is him being touched by the family’s grief and all he has to do is show them he cared about them.
The premise is strange, the inciting incident vague and the stakes are low.
Why not use his death as the inciting incident – that’s literally a life changing event, and as opposed to “…being touched by his family’s grief…” it provides a far greater reason for him to be motivated.
Secondly, instead of specifying an arbitrary time restriction, why not have Saint Peter give him the opportunity to redeem himself. Last thing, better if you give him a bigger stake – in other words, at the pearly gates Petey also tells him that if he fails he’ll spend eternity in hell sitting on hot coals and listening to Justin Bieber “Baby Baby” on repeat.
I think that how children of any age? alienated from their family (for whatever reason) flip their attitude, come to appreciate them is a worthy idea to explore.
I just don’t (yet)? see how the parts of this premise cohere.? For instance:
>>>>find a way to show his family that he really did care about them in life
But you tag him as self-centered.? ?So how can it be that he really cared?? Seems like a contradiction.
Just saying.
What’s supposed to be the story hook?
And what’s the underlying theme you are exploring?? Theme is not an element that should be explicit in a logline, but the dialectic of the plot should suggest a theme being explored, one that will emerge in due course.? And I’m curious as to what you conceive the theme for this story to be.
And? isn’t “so he can have peace in the afterlife” a selfish motive?? Shouldn’t his motive be to give his family peace of mind?
“Touched by his families grief, a teen who was self-absorbed while alive is given three days to show his family what they meant to him so he can have peace in the afterlife.”
This is a much stronger logline than your previous attempts.