Penpusher
Posted: 2017-05-02T11:30:47+10:00 In:

After she causes the death of her younger brother, a teenager discovers a past-altering device and must use it to regain her family before her brother?s ghost ruins her life.

After she causes the death of her younger brother, a teenager discovers a past-altering device and must use it to regain her family before her brother?s ghost ruins her life.
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    2 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      As a rule you should only ask the audience to suspend disbelief over one really big thing. You have time travel, science and a ghost, spirit. I believe the time travel makes for a good enough hook that you don’t need the ghost.

      (If you want to up the stakes, make it so the the time device only gives her one chance to save her brother and if she fails she can never go back again)

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    2. Singularity

      The goal of preventing her brother’s death is enough of a motivation, the secondary goal of stopping his ghost from ruining her life is redundant and can be cut.

      What is her flaw? Currently, you describe her as a teenager, which is too general and vague a description for a main character.

      Could it be that her flaw caused the death?

      • 0