The Rat Room
Paul ClarkeSamurai
After the contamination system traps three research assistants in an underground lab, they discover the leaked gas triggers a psychopathic cannibalistic rage in the lab rats. (For MEETUP)
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This is the Set up…..
Need an Event….. When a pyschomental power forces a trapped bunker…..
Sounds like 54 Days…..
Premise is not clear.
Goal needs to be a Specific Act.
This day and age Screen writers need to answer and supply a 3 Dimensional character with a moral Compass……..That needs to change for Hero to evolve to Protagonist Status ( Archetypical Trait)
Try
When a lead Enviromental Scientist fails follow orders a false alarm is launched that threatens Contamination they are moved,
but when a mind altering chemical gas is released they become trapped and must design a complex ventilation system to survive while they pick the lock to kill there saboteurs.
Acts, Clear Threats, Time considerations and Conclusions that effect more than just the Individuals.
Hope this helps 😉
I don’t think we need her personality prior to the incident. Dropping this could save you some words and give the line more pace. If she has to kill to survive, and survival is her aim. State that clearly and I think you’re on a winner.
As an example.
A research assistant is trap underground after a contamination system locks. The leaked gas has produced psychopathic behaviour in her co-workers. She must now fight for her life while trying to escape this subterranean (prison). Prison is the wrong word. You know your story, so you know the best beats to add in. If you have a time pressure to add, even better. So after “Prison” you could add “before….”. So “before the facility is sealed forever” adds even more stakes and more pace.
I like these types of stories, good luck.
I don’t think we need her personality prior to the incident. Dropping this could save you some words and give the line more pace. If she has to kill to survive, and survival is her aim. State that clearly and I think you’re on a winner.
As an example.
A research assistant is trap underground after a contamination system locks. The leaked gas has produced psychopathic behaviour in her co-workers. She must now fight for her life while trying to escape this subterranean (prison). Prison is the wrong word. You know your story, so you know the best beats to add in. If you have a time pressure to add, even better. So after “Prison” you could add “before….”. So “before the facility is sealed forever” adds even more stakes and more pace.
I like these types of stories, good luck.
If the co-workers are accidentally locked in the lab with the MC then the inciting incident is happening to BOTH the MC and antagonists. Typically the inciting incident happens only to the MC.
I agree, without including the rats makes for a better logline. Nice one!
If the co-workers are accidentally locked in the lab with the MC then the inciting incident is happening to BOTH the MC and antagonists. Typically the inciting incident happens only to the MC.
I agree, without including the rats makes for a better logline. Nice one!
Much better without the rats its shorter and describes the stakes and dangers in a more efficient way. It now sounds like a good concept for a low budget film.
After discovering the result of breathing the gas, what does she do? What does she want?
If you add these into the logline you can clarify whether this will be horror or thriller and have a really strong logline.
e.g:
After the contamination system locks a highly driven research assistant in an underground lab with her rival co-workers, she discovers the leaking gas induces psychopathic behavior and must fix the leak to save their lives.
or:
After the contamination system locks a highly driven research assistant in an underground lab with her rival co-workers, she discovers the leaking gas induces psychopathic behavior and must kill her infected colleagues to save her life.
Hope this helps.
Much better without the rats its shorter and describes the stakes and dangers in a more efficient way. It now sounds like a good concept for a low budget film.
After discovering the result of breathing the gas, what does she do? What does she want?
If you add these into the logline you can clarify whether this will be horror or thriller and have a really strong logline.
e.g:
After the contamination system locks a highly driven research assistant in an underground lab with her rival co-workers, she discovers the leaking gas induces psychopathic behavior and must fix the leak to save their lives.
or:
After the contamination system locks a highly driven research assistant in an underground lab with her rival co-workers, she discovers the leaking gas induces psychopathic behavior and must kill her infected colleagues to save her life.
Hope this helps.
UPDATED FROM MEETUP:
After the contamination system locks a highly driven research assistant in an underground lab with her rival co-workers, she discovers the leaked gas induces cannibalistic rage in the lab rats.
I’m just not sure that makes it clear that the threat comes from the co-workers and not the rats. Not sure cannibalistic is enough to imply that the rats only attack each other, and that the humans may do the same because they’ve breathed the same gas.
Either that or I take out the rats altogether?
After the contamination system locks a highly driven research assistant in an underground lab with her rival co-workers, she discovers the leaks gas induces psychopathic behaviour.
UPDATED FROM MEETUP:
After the contamination system locks a highly driven research assistant in an underground lab with her rival co-workers, she discovers the leaked gas induces cannibalistic rage in the lab rats.
I’m just not sure that makes it clear that the threat comes from the co-workers and not the rats. Not sure cannibalistic is enough to imply that the rats only attack each other, and that the humans may do the same because they’ve breathed the same gas.
Either that or I take out the rats altogether?
After the contamination system locks a highly driven research assistant in an underground lab with her rival co-workers, she discovers the leaks gas induces psychopathic behaviour.