After the worst week of his adult life, a dispirited nice guy chooses guidance on becoming an alpha over suicide.
bivricLogliner
After the worst week of his adult life, a dispirited nice guy chooses guidance on becoming an alpha over suicide.
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How is this?
“An exemplar Beta male becomes dispirited when he loses a testicle, his job, and his wife all in the same week.?Suicidal until a con-man promises to mentor him into becoming an alpha male.”
The problem that I see is that is not clear what protagonist needs to do, and despite the seriousness of the depression disease, the suicide itself might not be an antagonist strong enough. In other words, external antagonist sound better in a logline. First thing I’d try to do is keep everything in a single sentence. dpg above said to clarify what becoming an alpha over suicide means because (I think) he wants you to make this elaborated in the logline. Second thing what I’d do is to add another person or situation that will push against his goal. What about a sarcastic psychiatrist or something…
So:
After losing his job, his wife, and a testicle in the same week, an underdog resolves to become a top dog.
A top dog doing what?? What’s his game plan, the specific means to his desired end?
Losing the testicle is a good hook, an attention grabber that I suggest ought to be in the logline.? ?Now what the logline needs to have is a? (brief) description of the specific course of action he decides to take to become a top dog.
fwiw
Here is a small revision… Also, this is for a webseries I intend to produce soon.
“An exemplar Beta male becomes dispirited when he loses a testicle, his job, and his wife all in the same week. Suicide might be an option if he can’t learn to become an Alpha male.”
As Richiev said.
And please clarify what “becoming an alpha over suicide” means.
You should give us a specific event we can relate to. Such as: “When his wife leaves him.” “when he get’s an F on all his finals,” “When his dog dies.”