The premise of this is film is of a young woman in the middle ages who returns to the castle grounds/town to find it taken over my men in black armor. She sneaks back into the grounds in time to witness her parents beheading. Fearing for her life she escapes the castle grounds making her way to the east.
Aewyn begins to recruit others to help her retake back her land including a beautiful Amazonian-esk woman, strong, silent and intense.
—-This has kind of been a work in progress…i was thinking Game of Thrones meets Fingersmith/Tipping the Velvet—-
The main character has a clear, obtainable goal: to take back her kingdom, and save her people. That’s good! However, it feels a little generic… I can’t say there is a unique hook that makes me really want to see this movie.
Perhaps adding more details might help. Is there a main villain? If he is unique, describe him. Also, what are Aewyn’s strengths and flaws? Is she shy, outgoing or spoiled? Giving her a flaw in the logline promises an inner journey in the movie.
Also note you don’t have to mention the main character’s name as this doesn’t help sell the movie.
E.g. “An energetic princess escapes the castle…” tells us way more.
On a technical level, this could be shorter; you could leave out the part about escaping the castle grounds and skip straight to finding her father’s allies. And please, you must must must guard against errors. In this context “parents” needs an apostrophe at the end: “parents’ slaughter”. “Fathers” should be “father’s”. “Saving her people” should be “save her people”. Remember, the smaller the space the worse errors look, and you don’t get much tighter than loglines.
Concept-wise, it’s a very good thing you put the Tipping the Velvet comparison in there – otherwise this runs the risk of looking like a warmed-over Snow White and the Huntsman (sorry, it’ the first thing springing to mind). I love the girl-girl angle (I assume that’s what you meant with your comparisons?) and your logline absolutely needs to work that in. How can you make it clear there’s a potential romance between Aewyn and the Amazon while retaining brevity and imparting the necessary information?
I’ll throw a for-instance at you. You can keep it or you can send it on back: “Princess Aewyn escapes the slaughter of her parents and begins raising an army, among which is (Amazon hottie’s name), a woman who stirs in Aewyn a passion for more than revenge.”
Now, is that a bit bodice-ripper-ish? Unquestionably. But hopefully it can get you started toward something more refined. It’s the kind of direction I think would best serve your concept, and it is a worthwhile concept.
A final note: “Aewyn” is a bit too similar to Tolkien’s ?owyn of Rohan.
Hey thank you for the feedback. The logline is one thing I struggle to write and get my idea across. That really heylps though. Thanks for the feedback.
Ah…didn’t pick up on the girl-girl angle as I had not seen Tipping the Velvet. That could be your hook.