After years of forced thievery under his older brother, a repentant young burglar sets out to make amends with the people he’s wronged.
Bad_At_LoglinesPenpusher
After years of forced thievery under his older brother, a repentant young burglar sets out to make amends with the people he’s wronged.
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As others have said. ?
What’s the inciting incident? ?Why after all these years, does he do a 180 and decide to amend his wicked ways?
And who/what opposes him? ?Who or what makes it difficult for him to make amends? What are the stakes, the jeopardy he places himself in by making amends?
This sounds promising. It would be more powerful if there was an actual event the triggered it all – not just the brother saying “okay, tired of this…” Maybe it is after an incident that has a direct effect a family losing all their property or something greater. ?”When two?crooks steal their tenth?car, causing a family to unexpectedly lose their home, the guilt-ridden younger brother decides to start a taxi service that offers free rides to the needy.” The incident is the mark – it makes everything turn. You can call the screenplay: The Tenth Car.
This premise is great, I think it would make for one of those feel good movies like the movie where the cop splits the lotto ticket with the waitress.
However
As for the logline, you need a better inciting incident. What causes him to take this course of action? What is it that compels him to make amends…
What are the stakes? What happens if he fails? The logline hints a conflict but doesn’t describe one. What will be seen on screen? Film/television are visual mediums, what is happening on screen? Is he just driving around talking to people and giving stuff back?