Penpusher
Posted: 2016-03-11T12:28:26+10:00 In:

An alien woman comes to earth to mate with a deadbeat stoner. Only one thing stands in her way…a psychotically jealous, nut-job girlfriend.

An alien woman comes to earth to mate with a deadbeat stoner. Only one thing stands in her way…a psychotically jealous, nut-job girlfriend.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      I’m left questioning who the psychotic girlfriend belongs to. Is it one that followed the alien or the man’s girlfriend that leaves one questioning why he has this girlfriend.

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    2. Mentor

      Hello, I think you can easyly do it in one sentence. If you are writing a logline to test a concept and spot story problems before writing the actual script it would be better to avoid rethoric sentences like “Only one thing stands in her way?” : this doesn’t help in spotting story problems, nor in testing the concept.

      Anyway, I like the concept.

      ‘When an alien woman find her only possible mate on earth, she must deal with his deadbeat stoner attitude and his psychotically jalous nut-job girlfriend’.

      It could be funny, yes. I’m not sure the alien woman should be the main character. She’s not as powerfully described as the stoner and the nutjob girl. I would pick the stoner as a protagonist, so he will have 2 problems: the alien woman and his nutjob girlfriend.

      Anyway, goodluck !

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    3. Penpusher

      You can condense the second sentence, we need to know whats at stake. An ellipses is a waste of space and also consider giving us an idea of the inner journey, will the alien defeat the girlfriend?

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