This is my logline for the first screenplay I registered on InkTip.
An Argentinean parish priest struggles with an evil force conjured by the mind of a man and a woman.
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I realized that you paid an awful lot of money for Ms. Kram’s services, but it seems to me you ended up with the opposite extreme of your first logline. The first one was too short and absent of any real information, and your final product is two-times too long, with extraneous information.
There IS a happy median: “An Argentinian priest fights an evil specter and must enlist the help of a Buddhist monk before it kills members of a dysfunctional family from his parish.”
Alas, this is just one man’s opinion…
Thanks for all your input! It’s been reworked with a wonderful script consultant, Wendy Kram at LA4Hire.com.
Here’s the final product: When an Argentinian priest fights against an evil specter created by a man and woman abused in childhood, he discovers he has to enlist the help of a Buddhist monk. Together they unlock a terrible secret which must be revealed in order to stop the evil specter from killing other members of the couple’s family.
Not anything like “The Exorcist” except perhaps the presence of one. 🙂
Feel free to check out the animation trailer at: http://www.storyartisan.wordpress.com
Enjoy!
I enjoy supernatural so I was wondering, too, about the priest’s situation. It feels like this concept has a strong possibility to really blossom. And it has made me curious, and because my curiosity is peaked, it immediately has 100 questions it wants to ask :-).
It seems like the entity is specifically targeting the priest? If it is, is it a form of revenge the man and the woman have created in order to ruin the priest? Are we in ‘present’ day or 19th century? Has the priest been struggling with being a priest? Or is about to leave the priesthood and this ‘entity’ causes him to not give up?
I believe you can feel free to be a bit more ‘specific’ and include those clarifications as the two folks mentioned above in order to really boost up this logline.
Looking forward to more!
Hi Anna Maria,
It sounds very much like The Exorcist in Argentina.
What makes this film unique? Is there a dual antagonist because both the man and woman are enraged? And why are they enraged? SEM above is right in asking for clarification. Your revised logline doesn’t really address this… You have enough room in the logline to give us some more detail.
Is there a character change for the priest? In The Exorcist it had everything to do with Karas’ loss of faith. What is the theme here?
Happy rewriting!
Thanks for the feedback. I’ve tweaked it to delete “parish” from priest and rewrote it:
An Argentinean priest struggles with an evil specter conjured by an enraged man and woman.
The phrase “parish priest” seems a bit redundant to me. I don’t understand the “mind of a man and a woman” line at all.
I think you’ll need to be more specific about this man and woman, to start…
Good luck!