WHO FRAMED TOMMY CALLAHAN?
An elementary school student searches for the truth behind the candy bar ring conspiracy that got his brother expelled.
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Your logline is interesting but doesn’t tell us what the student is risking; what the dangers are or who might be standing in the way…
“When his brother his expelled, a straight A student endangers his academic career by investigating a candy bar conspiracy that could reach all the way to the top.”
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
Yep, Richiev is right. What are the stakes?
The logline suggests nothing that would merit this script worthy of the blacklist. I can only assume that there is exceptionally clever dialogue and/or that perhaps the story is highly allegorical of some bigger issue or topic. (For instance, a kind of funny version of Animal Farm or Lord Of The Flies.)
Even for a children’s film, even for a quirky comedy, the presented scenario is silly and dismissable. Candy conspiracy? Really? Is that all? Hardly an ‘expellable’ offence!
What is really needed here is to suggest to the reader that there is more here than just shallow cuteness. For example, “In trying to uncover why his brother got expelled, an elementary school student investigates a back-of-school conspiracy involving solar panels, green plants, and government money spent too easily.” This revision hints at all kinds of satire angles without telling too much about what the conspiracy actually is. (It also clearly implies that the story is more than just kiddie-cutsy.)
As it is, the logline is quick and easy to pass over.
Steven Fernandez (Judge)