FIRST IMPRESSION
An envious thief is caught in the crossfire after stealing a car that harbors the recently abducted First Lady.
Share
Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
Thanks for your help Tony 😀
I’ve gained some valuable and constructive criticism, that will give me the insight I need to the next rewrite.
“A desperate car thief finds himself caught between the cops, a terror cell, and the US government when he discovers the car he’s stolen harbors the nations First Lady”
…but my take still doesn’t nail the desire…
What’s his desire here? To save the First Lady and return her to her loving President (and nation), to take advantage of the situation and make a buck for himself, to evade the abductors, to evade the cops and clear his name?
His need, by the sound of things, is to learn how to be happy for what he’s got…? I guess going through that ordeal you’d just be happy to be alive, but I find it hard to correlate his desire with need, and I think that’s because the desire isn’t clearly defined… maybe take a look at ‘caught in the crossfire’, whilst sounding snappy, it’s too vague. Obviously the sh*t hits the fan when he realizes the dilemma he’s in, but we want to know Who (hero) How (main action), and Why (main problem/ Antag) in the logine, at least that’s what I’ve gleaned from my limited experience in this — and I’m far from mastering the art.
I don’t think there is a need to state the characters need (not desire…) in the logline — or to even imply it through character description — the theme, and the hero’s need, comes from the main problem/ antagonist.
‘Desperate car thief’ maybe?..??
“A desperate car thief re-evaluates his career choice after discovering the car he’s stolen harbors the abducted First Lady”
?
Good luck on it — sounds like it has the potential for a cool action film.
😉
“A thief always wants what they cant have and is envious of others possessions”
I disagree with that as a general diagnosis of all thieves (having known too many of them in my years in law enforcement.) As Freud would say, the motivations are overdetermined.
Be that as it may, it’s your logline. And if that’s your character’s flaw, let it be so stipulated.
Still, there is a lingering question: what is the motivational link between envy and stealing a car–of all the things he might steal? Why a car? Are cars his special line of work? (The pros usually specialize in a particular line of goods. Is he a pro, or is this a crime of impulsive opportunity?) If he’s a pro, then wouldn’t it be more be more accurate to describe him as a car thief?
I completely agree with the superfluous feedback, but the theme // set-up focuses on this aspect of the protagonist. The reason for choosing it also was “How would someone, envious of other peoples lives solve their own life.”
If ‘a thief always wants what they can’t have and are envious of others possessions…’ using ‘envious ‘as an adjective might be superfluous. By describing the hero as a thief, the fact that they are envious is almost implied, especially going off the fact that it is the ‘…crux of many a crime, thriller and action movie’. Why not make him a bumbling thief, or, an amateur thief..?
A thief always wants what they cant have and is envious of others possessions // lifestyles, its the crux of many a crime, thriller and action movie. This is the trigger that gets him involved in the unlikely event because without it he wouldn’t want the car.
Envious of whom? The quality does not seem relevant to the situation you describe and should be.
Thanks 🙂 Your advice on many posts always seems to “nail it”. I’ll check it out 🙂
If you goto the “How to write it?” section of this site over @ https://loglines.org/howto/ it will help to explain and understand the basics of creating the core concept of a logline 😀 Hope this helps.
hey TOR. I may be wrong, but should the protagonist’s flaw be relevant to the logline?