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thedarkhorseSamurai
An ex-con, tries to move on with his life, but his life is turned upside down when he falls for the sister of a reformed paedophile.
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I think every writer struggles to let go of an idea sometimes. It goes with the territory – nobody likes someone to criticise their child.
Good luck with it! There’s definitely a story in here though. I wonder if the relationship with the sister is the B-story or if that’s the main story… if it’s the B-story it shouldn’t be in the logline, but if it’s the main story it should. It’s a tricky one…
I would consider giving the ex-con a personal motive rather than he just doesn’t like paedophiles. At the end of the day, you said the guy next door was a reformed paedophile and he’s an ex-con who is trying to go straight… they’re incredibly similar (which I think is great!). BUT people who are trying to stay straight (not to mention you didn’t say he was convicted for murder) don’t just plan to kill someone without motive. I think it’ll be hard to justify this act unless you have something that makes us truly despise the paedo next door. The problem is, at that point, the ending you have planned – the ex-con protecting the paedo – you will need to do a lot of work to get the audience back on the paedo’s side.
Could you make the ex-con a former abuse victim? He despises the guy next door because of his history, but we discover (through the romantic relationship with the sister) that it wasn’t quite as black and white as that. That the paedo was 17 and his 15 year old girlfriend accused him of rape which led to him being on the sex offenders register? I don’t know… I’m just spitballing.
To me, the bottom line is that we have to sympathise with the paedophile and I think it’s really important that something that makes us sympathise with him comes across in the logline. I actually wonder if the paedophile is the more interesting character here?
Hope this collection of ramblings is useful in some way hahaha.
My apologies.
I finished an outline in 3 days last week and I’m still attached to what I’ve got.
I am however going to test out the idea from different angles and see what people respond to.
In a logline, in my opinion, you want to limit the amount of imagination that the reader uses. If a producer reads your logline and their imagined version of events is completely different to yours, what they have in their head could be the difference between a read of a pass. Why take this chance? The more specific you can be the better. Things will inevitably look different in everyones heads, the worlds will look different, the protagonist will look completely unique to everyone, but the story should be as close to what is in your head as possible.
Quite simply, to me, why would you want someone to imagine a story that’s different to the one you want to tell?
The story idea seems solid, but the logline just sets up the situation instead of what the lead plans on doing about the situation.
So I would ask this question when attempting to write the logline for this story: What is the main conflict?
From what I am seeing (From all your attempts) The main conflict is the lead character wants to kill the pedophile but in doing so risks the relationship with his love interest.
I would then used this main conflict as the centerpiece of your logline.
1: Start the logline at the point the conflict begins,
2: let us know what is the lead character’s main goal. Is it… A: Killing the Pedophile. or B: Winning his love interest (Because if killing the pedophile is his main goal, then his love interest is getting in the way of the goal. If Winning his love interest is the main goal then killing the pedophile is getting in the way)
3: Then let us know what the lead character plans on doing about it.
Hope this helped.
The number of times we see “…his life is turned upside down…” in a logline is staggering. Normally, this overused description is the telltale sign of an underdeveloped obstacle.
Also, what does trying to move on with his life mean in practical terms? As this could mean any number of things, it’s a vague goal and one that seemingly has no end – there is no one visual image I can imagine that expresses beyond doubt a move on in one’s life.
Loglines are about describing definitive and visual actions and events, not vague ambitions.
Check out the ‘Formula’ tab on the top bar and read more threads on this site – there’s a lot of information available on loglines.
I’m going to try it out from the drama/romance angle. Though – wanting to kill this man is certainly still part of the plot.
I.I – Ex con finds out there’s a reformed paedophile next door.
pp1 – Ex con prepares to kill this man/steadily falling for his sister.
mp – Ex con defends this man from violent locals. (a reversal, twist.)
pp2 – Ex con discovers a vicious rumour about this man (which turns out to be a lie). He breaks up with the sister. He goes back to his violent ways and ends up jail. (in another reversal, he violently defends the reformed paedophile from friends and coworkers out to kill him.)
As this happens, locals set out to “get rid of the monster”. The sister, is still, the only one standing by him – though, it is increasingly hard at this point.
crisis climax – Ex con (back on their team), sister and reformed paedophile are trapped in a house – under siege by locals.
The ex-con puts a gun to the paedophile’s head (who at this point is a self-destructive, self-hating man – who actually wants to die). It’s here the ex-con finally reveals why he was so desperate to kill him in act 1 and reveals his past.
(In my outline the opening hook is still the ex-con as a child left alone in the house with the “family friend”. We’ll see.)
The finale should be not unlike “Straw Dogs” (1971) and “Of Mice and Men” ha. But it doesn’t actually end like either.
Themes: Morality and civilisation’s dark side.?
Okay. Cheers everyone.