The Gunnery
An illegal gun store owner and father to be chases freedom from a world of violence he helped to create.
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I’m amending it to “A successful illegal gun store owner and father to be chases freedom from a world of violence he helped to create.”
I actually think this is much better but still could use some help: “A community activist’s husband must choose between his profitable illegal gun store and his family amid a world of violence he helped to create.”
Whilst the protagonist’s goal is clear – escape the violent world he has helped create – “chasing freedom” is just too vague to sell your story on. What is the greatest hurdle he is going to face? If you’re pitching your script to a producer or investor, there’s no way for them to gather an idea of this film. “Chasing freedom” might mean a ‘The Fugitive’ style adventure across an entire continent (or the world). Or it might mean telling the crook who’s giving him a hard time to go to hell. There’s no indication from your logline of the scope of your film, and I’d guess this is going to make it difficult sell it to people down the line.
In the third version you’ve posted, opening with “a community activist’s husband” muddies who your protagonist is. Obviously the story is the arms dealer, but you’ve framed his introduction through his spouse … which means we don’t actually have a clear idea whose story we’ll be following. Something still feels slightly vague about this third version of the logline, but the dilemma and plot is much clearer in terms of having to choose between family and money from an unethical business.
What’s the hook? How has the profitable arms dealing business effected his family? Has one of his kids (or spouse) been shot recently? Has one of them bought a gun and shot someone? Why does he need to escape?
Good points, nicholasandrewhalls
I agree ‘chases freedom’ is a bit ethereal. Also ‘father to be’. Do we need to to know that? Is it essential to the story? Is it the core ? What does he do? How does he fight the violence he has created? Does he take up arms? There’s a lot of conflict in:
‘An illegal gun store owner takes up arms to fight the violence he’s helped to create.’
I appreciate the feedback. This is the latest version of it before I saw everyone’s comments: “A sneaker store owner must choose between his profitable illegal gun business and his pregnant wife, a community organizer, amid the neighborhood he destroys.”