Deadly?Assessment
Rutger OosterhoffLogliner
An honorable Mossad assassin must kill his illegitimate daughter, Miss Palestine, before she blows herself up, while advocating global hate at an Israeli-Palestinian peace summit.
Share
Have an account? Sign In Now
Yes DGP, the word must be illegitimate . That’s what you get when English is not your native language. “The mother was Palestinian who raised her after a clandestine affair with a Jewish man? Nobody but the parents know her true patrimony?” Yes, that’s it! But should this be in the logline?
Yes DGP, the word must be illegitimate . That’s what you get when English is not your native language. “The mother was Palestinian who raised her after a clandestine affair with a Jewish man? Nobody but the parents know her true patrimony?” Yes, that’s it! But should this be in the logline?
Thanks Rutger. Those books provide good screenwriting structure. As I’m sure you know though, strict adherence to specific story structure stifles creativity, which is why, as you alluded to earlier, you end up with the same worn-out “paint-by-numbers” story over and over again in Hollywood. Still, it’s a good idea to know the rules – and what works – before you decide to break them.
Good luck with your story.
Thanks Rutger. Those books provide good screenwriting structure. As I’m sure you know though, strict adherence to specific story structure stifles creativity, which is why, as you alluded to earlier, you end up with the same worn-out “paint-by-numbers” story over and over again in Hollywood. Still, it’s a good idea to know the rules – and what works – before you decide to break them.
Good luck with your story.
I dig all of your last post Gilamesh: I now also now that you are a fan of “The Writers Journey”- Christopher Vogler and “Save the Cat” – blake Snyder. These books kill it!
I dig all of your last post Gilamesh: I now also now that you are a fan of “The Writers Journey”- Christopher Vogler and “Save the Cat” – blake Snyder. These books kill it!
Don’t take my logline verbatim – your story will of course be different. Only you know your protag’s background and his character arc.
In the classic hero’s journey, a reluctant hero eventually decides to take the action that propels him on his journey. The conflict in Act I is the debate. The end of Act I is the decision that launches him on his journey, from which there is no turning back. The conflict from then on is the escalating obstacles he faces along that journey.
Your protag should have something happen (the inciting incident) in Act I which causes him to decide he’s the one who must do this mission. Maybe it’s because he’s the best assassin in the world, but he doesn’t want any part of it anymore. Or maybe it’s because the terrorist is his daughter, and he’s the only one who can stop her.
As far as the word used to describe your protag, that depends on his flaw and the character arc. Is he generally a good guy (a government-hired hitman) that doesn’t really want to kill people, especially his daughter, although he must? Or is he a “ruthless” “unlawful” assassin who cares not a whit about his victims?
Only you know the answer to that. If he’s truly ruthless, that’s OK, but a tougher sell. He doesn’t necessarily have to be a likeable character, but he does have to be compelling, and someone you can at least empathize with, even if he doesn’t engender sympathy (Jake Gyllenhaal’s character in “Nightcrawler” is a good recent example).
If your story isn’t fully fleshed out yet, one thing you might consider is to tie the daughter’s current fanatical state of mind back to her father. Maybe it was something he did in raising her that caused her to end up where she is now. And now he feels responsible and full of guilt over what she’s about to do, but he knows he has no choice but put her down if he’s to save the lives of those around her.
fwiw
Don’t take my logline verbatim – your story will of course be different. Only you know your protag’s background and his character arc.
In the classic hero’s journey, a reluctant hero eventually decides to take the action that propels him on his journey. The conflict in Act I is the debate. The end of Act I is the decision that launches him on his journey, from which there is no turning back. The conflict from then on is the escalating obstacles he faces along that journey.
Your protag should have something happen (the inciting incident) in Act I which causes him to decide he’s the one who must do this mission. Maybe it’s because he’s the best assassin in the world, but he doesn’t want any part of it anymore. Or maybe it’s because the terrorist is his daughter, and he’s the only one who can stop her.
As far as the word used to describe your protag, that depends on his flaw and the character arc. Is he generally a good guy (a government-hired hitman) that doesn’t really want to kill people, especially his daughter, although he must? Or is he a “ruthless” “unlawful” assassin who cares not a whit about his victims?
Only you know the answer to that. If he’s truly ruthless, that’s OK, but a tougher sell. He doesn’t necessarily have to be a likeable character, but he does have to be compelling, and someone you can at least empathize with, even if he doesn’t engender sympathy (Jake Gyllenhaal’s character in “Nightcrawler” is a good recent example).
If your story isn’t fully fleshed out yet, one thing you might consider is to tie the daughter’s current fanatical state of mind back to her father. Maybe it was something he did in raising her that caused her to end up where she is now. And now he feels responsible and full of guilt over what she’s about to do, but he knows he has no choice but put her down if he’s to save the lives of those around her.
fwiw
By unlawful, don’t you mean illegitimate? The mother was Palestinian who raised her after a clandestine affair with a Jewish man? Nobody but the parents know her true patrimony?
By unlawful, don’t you mean illegitimate? The mother was Palestinian who raised her after a clandestine affair with a Jewish man? Nobody but the parents know her true patrimony?
… “decorated” for what ? What he did after he was an assassin? You ‘normally’ don’t visualy decorate a man for unlawfuly killing people. If he kills for his government , the title could be 5 STAR ASSASSIN. I think your logline is a bit to long but I like it more than mine. And must I make it clear how she gets at the peace summit? If not,, telling she is Miss Palestine Isn?t really necessary. What I do not like is “” he must go on one last mission” this is used in sooooo many loglines that I could imagion producers getting tired of this (semi) line. What are your thoughts.
… “decorated” for what ? What he did after he was an assassin? You ‘normally’ don’t visualy decorate a man for unlawfuly killing people. If he kills for his government , the title could be 5 STAR ASSASSIN. I think your logline is a bit to long but I like it more than mine. And must I make it clear how she gets at the peace summit? If not,, telling she is Miss Palestine Isn?t really necessary. What I do not like is “” he must go on one last mission” this is used in sooooo many loglines that I could imagion producers getting tired of this (semi) line. What are your thoughts.
Changed it into ruthless livejosh1nine, but maybe will look for a better word. New version of logline is active. But can someone help me with the interpunction of this logline. Also thanks again Gilgamesh for your last input. I wonder, Did Leon GROW from ruthless to more compasionate because of the girl? If so i can use ruthless? otherwise I change it! OK, the title now. The only thing I can come up with is “Unlawful? Why? It does describe the occupation of the protag, but also the fact that is daughter is from an unlawful marriage, and what the Palestinians and the Jews are doing to each other is unlawful as well. But still, some of the best titles tell you what the movie is about. This one does not.
Changed it into ruthless livejosh1nine, but maybe will look for a better word. New version of logline is active. But can someone help me with the interpunction of this logline. Also thanks again Gilgamesh for your last input. I wonder, Did Leon GROW from ruthless to more compasionate because of the girl? If so i can use ruthless? otherwise I change it! OK, the title now. The only thing I can come up with is “Unlawful? Why? It does describe the occupation of the protag, but also the fact that is daughter is from an unlawful marriage, and what the Palestinians and the Jews are doing to each other is unlawful as well. But still, some of the best titles tell you what the movie is about. This one does not.
The hitman?s own daughter is the terrorist? There you go, now that?s a compelling hook.
You?re on the right track with your protag?s description too, although I wouldn?t go so far as to call him ruthless? – that means he has no pity or compassion for others, which is not the case. I?d describe him as a more of a meticulous, professional hitman.
The fact that it?s his own daughter he must stop provides more than enough of a dilemma for him. Add to that the fact that men, women and children will die if he doesn?t makes his dilemma all the more compelling.
Look to Leon? like you mentioned, or The Equalizer.? In loglines I?ve seen, Leon was described as a professional assassin? and the top hitman in New York,? who becomes the unwilling custodian of a 12-year-old girl.?
You can find a better word than liquidate? too ? that sounds more like something you do with your financial assets than killing a person.
My take:
When a highly-decorated former Jewish assassin learns of a planned terrorist attack on the upcoming Israeli-Palestinian peace summit, he must go on one last mission to stop the fanatical suicide-bomber ? his own daughter.?
You may want to rethink your title as well. Like Leon? and The Equalizer,? your protag is the hitman and I assume the story will be told from his perspective, so your title would be better suited to relate more to him and his plight than to his daughter, the antagonist.
The hitman?s own daughter is the terrorist? There you go, now that?s a compelling hook.
You?re on the right track with your protag?s description too, although I wouldn?t go so far as to call him ruthless? – that means he has no pity or compassion for others, which is not the case. I?d describe him as a more of a meticulous, professional hitman.
The fact that it?s his own daughter he must stop provides more than enough of a dilemma for him. Add to that the fact that men, women and children will die if he doesn?t makes his dilemma all the more compelling.
Look to Leon? like you mentioned, or The Equalizer.? In loglines I?ve seen, Leon was described as a professional assassin? and the top hitman in New York,? who becomes the unwilling custodian of a 12-year-old girl.?
You can find a better word than liquidate? too ? that sounds more like something you do with your financial assets than killing a person.
My take:
When a highly-decorated former Jewish assassin learns of a planned terrorist attack on the upcoming Israeli-Palestinian peace summit, he must go on one last mission to stop the fanatical suicide-bomber ? his own daughter.?
You may want to rethink your title as well. Like Leon? and The Equalizer,? your protag is the hitman and I assume the story will be told from his perspective, so your title would be better suited to relate more to him and his plight than to his daughter, the antagonist.
Why is him being illiterate relevant to the logline? I believe you were going for a touch of irony. It’s there, but I’d rework the first half to make it more pronounced and clear.
Why is him being illiterate relevant to the logline? I believe you were going for a touch of irony. It’s there, but I’d rework the first half to make it more pronounced and clear.
As you already have guessed, the ‘love interest ‘is between the protag and the antag. Somehow X should have to do with him falling in love with (or loving) his target. A(n) X Jewish hitman. The word ‘soft hearted’ keeps popping into my mind… ok, what event catalyzes my hero to go into motion? and take action? So an hitman goes into action just because his boss gives him his target, in this case Miss Palestine. But his credo is no killing of women and children. But he allready killed them anyway? What sort of type was Leon discribed in one word? A troubled soul.. even guilt-ridden. One part of him tells him he has to kill (follow orders) her, the other part says he has to save her….
An ruthless Jewish assassin must liquidate his unlawfull daughter, Miss Palestine, before she (can) blow(s) herself up ? (,) (while)? advocating global peace at an Israeli-Palestinian peace summit.?~ Miss Palestine
As you already have guessed, the ‘love interest ‘is between the protag and the antag. Somehow X should have to do with him falling in love with (or loving) his target. A(n) X Jewish hitman. The word ‘soft hearted’ keeps popping into my mind… ok, what event catalyzes my hero to go into motion? and take action? So an hitman goes into action just because his boss gives him his target, in this case Miss Palestine. But his credo is no killing of women and children. But he allready killed them anyway? What sort of type was Leon discribed in one word? A troubled soul.. even guilt-ridden. One part of him tells him he has to kill (follow orders) her, the other part says he has to save her….
An ruthless Jewish assassin must liquidate his unlawfull daughter, Miss Palestine, before she (can) blow(s) herself up ? (,) (while)? advocating global peace at an Israeli-Palestinian peace summit.?~ Miss Palestine
Better – it makes more sense that the antagonist would use this type of venue to make her statement.
The word you use to describe your protag is better too, but you might be able to come up with something even better to define his flaw. The classic trope is that of a reluctant veteran – usually the best at what he does – called into action one last time to save the day.
One more thing that would improve the logline would be to add the inciting incident. What prompts your MC into action? Why him?
Better – it makes more sense that the antagonist would use this type of venue to make her statement.
The word you use to describe your protag is better too, but you might be able to come up with something even better to define his flaw. The classic trope is that of a reluctant veteran – usually the best at what he does – called into action one last time to save the day.
One more thing that would improve the logline would be to add the inciting incident. What prompts your MC into action? Why him?
Ok how is this?: “A sluggish Jewish hitman must kill Miss Palestine before she can blow herself up while advocating global peace at an Israeli-Palestinian peace summit.”~ Miss Palestine
Ok how is this?: “A sluggish Jewish hitman must kill Miss Palestine before she can blow herself up while advocating global peace at an Israeli-Palestinian peace summit.”~ Miss Palestine
If the screenwriting contest is an important element of your story, you need to tie it to the plight of your protag and antagonist.
Right now I see the main story as “A Jewish hitman chases a female Hamas fighter across Jerusalem to stop her from blowing herself up at her (arbitrary) destination.”
It’s not clear how the word used to describe your protag (“illiterate”), the location where the conflict occurs (“the award ceremony of a screenwriting contest”), or your title (“Killer Logline”) relate to the throughline of this story.
Good luck – hope this helps
If the screenwriting contest is an important element of your story, you need to tie it to the plight of your protag and antagonist.
Right now I see the main story as “A Jewish hitman chases a female Hamas fighter across Jerusalem to stop her from blowing herself up at her (arbitrary) destination.”
It’s not clear how the word used to describe your protag (“illiterate”), the location where the conflict occurs (“the award ceremony of a screenwriting contest”), or your title (“Killer Logline”) relate to the throughline of this story.
Good luck – hope this helps