A DIRT OF HELL
An inexperienced lawyer must defend his family and his client from an egotistical journalist's stories that have convinced the World that this client hides a deadly identity, an identity the people are determined to erase.
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?A young defence lawyer?s family are put at risk after a persistent journalist convinces a Jewish community that his client is a deadly dictator presumed to be dead.?
SO MUCH BETTER!!! HOOK IS THERE AND IT IS TIGHT!!!
Sharkeatingman: incredible feedback. Could not have put it better myself.
And I reiterate another comment: A DIRT OF HELL is a really really awkward title.
Hi guys thank you so much for the comments and they both have helped. I’m a bit worried about giving too much away in the log line but now seeing that it is mainly for studios then I don’t suppose it matters if I did say who it was. However in the film it will only be implied not actually stated. I have had another go at one, actually I have put two and I will post them below so would love some more feedback if you have time. Also A Dirt Of Hell is an anagram of the man’s identity he is accused of being. Perhaps you can guess it from that or maybe the following two log lines.
‘When a young defence lawyer’s client is accused of being a deadly dictator presumed dead he must quickly convince the world, and his Jewish family, of this client’s innocence before an egotistical journalist leads a mob to exact fateful revenge.’
‘A young defence lawyer’s family are put at risk after a persistent journalist convinces a Jewish community that his client is a deadly dictator presumed to be dead.’
sharkeatingman – I think the note on the antagonist is a bit too textbook. What’s important is whether or not the information he’s conveying is translating, not formatting. It’s very clear that the egotistical journalist is the antagonist through the story he’s written (or planning to write). Everything else I agree with.
At what point in the story is the “deadly identity he’s hiding” revealed? If its not until the last act, then maybe it shouldn’t even be in the logline (dangling a mystery like that for an ENTIRE movie might get exhausting for the audience). If it’s revealed earlier, you should DEFINITELY detail it more in the logline. The logline isn’t used to sell your movie to audiences, its to sell your movie to studios. They need to know what’s going on.
So what is it? A nazi war criminal? A crime lord? Genocidal leader in hiding? An alien? The spawn of Satan? SATAN HIMSELF? GOD?!!
Clearing that up would put a lot more definition on the genre/tone, and possibly make the stakes clearer (A crime lord probably has some experienced folks coming after him, supernatural beings imply their own set of surprises), and definitely will help hone in the hook. Maybe the person he’s defending is the hook in itself!
Oh, one last thing- what is “A DIRT OF HELL” mean, besides being the title? It seems non-sensical, or I’m missing something…
Once you identify the elements of an effective logline, you just plug in the parts, keeping it under thirty words (25, if possible).
Protag- “inexperienced lawyer”- okay, that’ll work. Might also consider alternatives to the adjective “inexperienced”, like novice, rookie, callow, naive, ignorant, unseasoned, green…
Antag- You have “stories” as an antag. Need to word it where the “egotistical journalist” is the antag. Protagonists and antagonists have to be people/animal/things. Cannot be entities, such as “the gov’t”, or “the police”.
Goal- save his client and family. In “A Time To Kill”, the lawyer’s family was is danger, but it was a by-product of him defending the client. Concentrate on the client, unless your story obviously includes the family first-hand.
Stake(s)- unclear. What would happen if he doesn’t win the case, or defend his family? No stakes are mentioned (“determined to erase” is not specific enough. One could erase an identity without being harmed or losing their life).
Obstacle(s)- a powerful newspaper? The stories?
Genre- unclear. Drama? Supernatural thriller? Documentary?
Irony- none, but if this “client” was a barbaric, sadistic world leader, and the people overthrow him and want to kill him themselves, there’s a little irony there. Irony is not required, but tends to help define the story more clearly and show immediate conflict (a sheriff, afraid of water, has to protect an coastal town from a rogue shark by fighting him at sea!)
Hook- this is the biggie. You have to determine WHAT element in your story is different from all the other similar story plotlines of the same genre. If a priest is trying to exorcise a demon from a person, changing the person from a 12- yr. old girl to a 17 yr. old boy, isn’t enough to create a new “hook”. Once you identify this “hook”, make sure it is highlighted in the logline.
Hope this helps some!
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge