Untitled
OdoylerulesPenpusher
An inexperienced rookie detective operates undercover in the Berlin nightlife to solve the mysterious vanishing of disco visitors until he himself becomes a victim of physical and psychological abuse.
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Good comments above.
Most good modern detective stories have a way of inciting the investigation in a way that is unusual for the detective. Reason being that discovering a murder would be a normal part of a detective’s work day, therefore by definition it can’t be an inciting incident. If the murder is made personal, i.e someone he knows or better yet cares about, then it would be out of the ordinary and raise the stakes of catching the killer even more.
Also best to avoid strange descriptions such as “…disco visitors…” – this descriptions raises more questions than it should. One could deduct that it is a patron of a disco-tech or night club, but as we don’t know what a disco visitor actually is, it comes across as confusing.
As FFF said.
And doesn’t ?”until he himself becomes a victim of physical and psychological abuse” just ?mean he gets “beat up” in the course of his investigation? ?Less is more; two words are better than eleven. ?And for the purpose of a logline, they are aren’t really necessary. ? It’s understood that violence comes with the job of being a detective and the genre of a murder mystery.
Essentially, the story is about a rookie detective who must solve the mystery of disappearing visitors in Berlin. ?To solve the mystery, I presume he must dive into the criminal underworld. ?If you know your subject matter, have a unique perspective, that could make for an interesting story. What is so special about placing the mystery in Berlin, rather than, say, Paris or London, or New York?
As said before an inciting incident would help and specifying what kind of abuse. Perhaps including an antagonist would help as well. Is the abuse something he’s doing to himself or as an antagonist doing it? One last thing, “rookie” does mean inexperienced so you can choose one or the other and it will mean the same thing.
It starts well, but the last part is too vague… Try to tell what is the inciting incident (the beginning of the investigation ot the detective being ‘abused’). And try to be specific about what you mean by ‘abuse’. One last advice, you can cut ‘mysterious’ – vanishing implies a mystery.