Penpusher
Posted: 2017-04-27T22:06:15+10:00 In:

An introverted student is infatuated with her flamboyant flatmate, but when fatal ?accidents? befall her flatmate?s lovers, she must clean up not only to keep her flatmate out of trouble, but ultimately to save herself.

An introverted student is infatuated with her flamboyant flatmate, but when fatal ?accidents? befall her flatmate?s lovers, she must clean up not only to keep her flatmate out of trouble, but ultimately to save herself.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Agreed with Foxtrot25 and Richiev.

      What is it the student wants most of all? Is it to shtup her flatmate, or to save her life? Which of these is her primary goal that drives her throughout the story?

      Secondly, what specific event starts her off on her journey? In other words, which one of the “…fatal accidents…” triggers her to take action and why? This is the inciting incident and needs to be described first.

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    2. Singularity

      I could be wrong but the way I see the story… It begins like “Single White Female” the twist is that it is not the infatuated girl who is the killer but the roommate herself.
      Because the lead is infatuated with her roommate, she cleans up the dead bodies and disposes them. (Possibly the roommate is a vampire)

      I guess the question, if I was correct in my analysis. What is standing in their way? Is there a cop or private investigator who is on their trail? Also why do we want the lead to succeed. In fact what is the lead character’s goal? Your logline is iffy on that.

      Seems like an interesting story. Like I said, “Single White Female” with a twist. Just not quite sure what the story is ultimately about from your logline.

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    3. Uberwriter

      You mention “flatemate” 3 times in this log — no good. Why is it important as to which type of residence they live in as to the story plot? Must clean up what and how? Is it illegal, the clean-up process?

      I suspect that you are having the flatmate get involved in something much deeper and dangerous, yet you don’t provide any clues as to what it is. Can you maybe provide a hint as to what the roomate must be into? How long does the protag have to clean this mess up?

      Try to include the “relationship” as the goal for cleaning up the mess — this is something I would want to see resolved for sure.

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