DARION: Origin – 2nd Version – Short and concise
An ordinary young man, is forced to become humankind?s sole savior when a diabolical alien race, wants to blow up the Earth.
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You could do a mix of both. You could drop “ordinary” from his discription, it is assumed that people are ordinary unless it is stated they are special. “An ancient power” is enough.
Add colour with story elements not detail of things that don’t move action along.
Look forward to seeing more.
This is much better but still too vague in my opinion.
A young man, is physiologically altered by a prehistoric energy becoming humankind?s sole savior when a diabolical alien race, seeking the power arrives to blow up the Earth.
Agreed with Craig and FFF.
This logline still describes generic characters and actions such as: “?young man?”, “…diabolical alien race?” and “?blowup the Earth?”.
Since this is a super hero scifi story the plot is mostly pre determined; the good guy wants to stop the big bad guys from doing a big bad thing. In this case its the specifics of your story that will make it interesting.
Best to use more specific and unique descriptions these will also elude at genre for example:
If you were to say that the aliens want to terraform the Earth using human flesh (War of The Worlds) this would be scifi/horror .
However if you were to write that they want to suck out all of Earth’s atmosphere with a giant maid with a vacuum cleaner shaped space ship (Space Balls) its a comedy.
Hope this helps.
FFF, I get you. I just replied to the previous, longer logline. Being new here I posted two loglines for the same purpose, so while I get the hang of the site’s mechanics, any modifications to the logline will be shared by reply. I seriously don’t want to bombard the site with multiple attempts. I replied to your first tip and I’m working on it. Hope to polish it and nail it very soon. Thanks again for giving me a hand.
Greetings CraigDGriffth. Gotcha. I’m refocusing to actually achieve that. Story elements, Check. Thanks a bunch.
Nir Shelter – Once again, I’m profoundly grateful for your sound advice. Darn this seems so easy to do and now I discover how profound a logline creation can be. I’m brainstorming all this and have to get back to work and attempt it again. Will return…