Jump The Gun
Nicholas Andrew HallsSamurai
An ostracized rookie desperate to prove himself takes up Parkour in order to infiltrate a gang of jewellery thieves, but falls in love with their charismatic leader.
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Young cop doesn’t work, rookie does. But since you want to focus on his flaw maybe “ostracized cop” is best suited for the logline. The fact that he is young etc may not be needed…
My Spin…
“When a ostracized cop tries to prove himself by going undercover and infiltrating a gang of jewel thieves, his ethics are tested when the charismatic leader steals his heart”
“A Ostracized cop takes up Parkour and infiltrates a gang of jewel thieves, his ethics are tested when the charismatic leader steals his heart”
Something along those lines but better!
Irony helps sell loglines too (steals heart etc)
Thanks for your thoughts Andrew.
I used the term rookie because it’s connotation ties it to the police force. He’s a young cop, desperate to prove himself. Which explains the infiltration. Young cop work better, or would that sound worse?
Also, the fact that he’s lonely or ostracized really NEEDS to be his flaw, because it’s the family he gains in the criminal gang that cause him the moral dilemma. He’s lived in a very tight, structured system his whole life, and feels very alone, but then finds acceptance outside that same system. Being good at parkour is not the crisis, choosing what side of the law he falls on is.
With that knowledge – thoughts on what I’m doing wrong with this logline?
Cheers
Hey Nick
Like the premise, but I believe you need to re-word it. You use the term “rookie” and then say “take up Parkour” Rookie and taking up something new to me are the same thing.
For the hero’s flaw, maybe look along the lines of co-ordination etc, something that he needs to overcome be an expert at Parkour.
Ostracized Rookie… doesn’t sit well for me, ostracized from what exactly? To Prove what? That he can be a theif? That he can catch the thieves? To be an expert at Parkour?
Why does he want to infiltrate a gang of Jewellery thieves? Is he a cop? Is he a government official trying to stop their shinanigans? Did they still grandma’s favorite broach?
Hope this helps.