As a gang-ravaged inner-city estate is torn apart by a feral beast that feeds on hate and violence, one man trying to renounce his brutal past, must make his way through the bone shattering carnage to find his daughter.
Steve72Logliner
As a gang-ravaged inner-city estate is torn apart by a feral beast that feeds on hate and violence, one man trying to renounce his brutal past, must make his way through the bone shattering carnage to find his daughter.
Share
The phrasing here is very off-putting, as is the unnecessary punctuation and excessive use of adjectives. Try arranging it more like:
The protagonist engages in this conflict with the antagonist because of these stakes.
It looks like you have all those details, they just need to flow better to be more compelling.
Definitely an attention-grabber.
These guys make some excellent points and observations.
I hope you follow through and write this story. It has a lot of potential.
If the creature “feeds on hate and violence” why does the daughter need rescuing?? Doesn’t the creature focus on the perpetrators of hate and violence — not the victims?? This point needs to be clarified.
You should begin the logline with what set’s the story in motion.
It sounds as if his daughter being in trouble is what sets the story in motion because his goal is to rescue her.
The question is, rescue her from what? Did she get captured by the beast?
————————————————————–
“When his daughter is captured by a feral beast that feeds on hate and violence, former gang leader turned preacher must navigate a gang-riddled slum to confront the creature and rescue his daughter.”