As dimensional portals bring refugees from an another earth, a disillusioned border agent encounters his alternate-earth daughter and becomes torn between following orders, or protecting an alternate world from annihilation.
lxdengarPenpusher
As dimensional portals bring refugees from an another earth, a disillusioned border agent encounters his alternate-earth daughter and becomes torn between following orders, or protecting an alternate world from annihilation.
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Your logline is missing a key element. What is the goal of the lead character? What does the lead character want? (And what or who is standing in the way)
To break it down further. At first glance, it would seem that the dimensional portals are the event that initiates the story.
However, the inciting incident is actually the moment the lead meets his alternate-earth daughter. (This would be even more poignant if his own daughter had died several years before)
This discovery of his alternate daughter should cause your lead character to have a goal… In other words, what is he going to do about it?
I don’t know if your story has been written yet, but if it hasn’t this is how I would start the story.
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1: At the beginning of the story. Perhaps even during the opening credits, I would show scenes of the lead character and his daughter
2: I would show birthday party’s, take your daughter to work day, the father putting a band-aid on a bruised knee. Maybe the two of them dancing to his daughter’s favorite song. (Sentimental memories) and these scenes should be emphasized with a filter that lets people know this is in the past. Kind of bright and slightly fuzzy
3: Then we see a newspaper clipping of “Young girl killed in freak accident)
4: Now we cut to the present and the father is going through the motions at work, he clearly hasn’t gotten over the death of his daughter. (In contrast, everything is kind of dark and colorless)?
5: The father is checking ids and visa’s at the interdimensional portal. Perhaps a quick conversation with a coworker to get a glimpse of the lead characters current state. He drinks too much, he is depressed and the coworker is worried.
6: Finally, within the first 10 minutes of the story, out steps his daughter from the portal.
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By setting up how much the lead loved his daughter and how devastating her death was to him, seeing his daughter walk out from the portal should have a huge emotional pull on the audience’s heartstrings.
And by doing so, the audience will go along with whatever crazy plan the lead comes up with in order to save his alternate-dimensional daughter.
Hi Richiev, thanks for the input!? I guess I fell into the trap of trying to explain the setting. You guessed indeed that the daughter element is going to involve death. I was trying to shoe-horn it in there, and failing.
Is this better with the ?When? structure, using the catalyst?
When a disillusioned dimensional border agent encounters his long-dead daughter among alternate-Earth refugees, he must abandon his orders, or risk losing her for good, and her world?s annihilation.
Ugh, “disillusioned dimensional border agent” sure is a mouthful.
Hope that states his goal as well: not to lose his daughter again.
>>>he must abandon his orders.
A logline should be a succinct statement of a protagonist?s objective goal. Objectives goals are proactively struggled for. ?Abandoning orders? is not an objective goal. It?s reactive instead of proactive. What must he DO instead of follow his orders? What?s his game plan to resolve his dramatic dilemma?
And I don’t see why it’s up to him to save an alternate world. Or why he should want to or need to. His daughter has escaped as a refugee .? What’s the personal stakes for him?
Hi Dpg,
Thank you. You’re right, ‘abandon‘ feels passive – as if he could simply ignore his orders without consequence. How about ‘disobey‘?
I see your point about the refugee status, since I haven’t made it clear that things aren’t going well for refugees.? I’m adding the word ‘illegal.’
[REVISED] Struggling to contain portals from an alternate-Earth, a dimensional border agent encounters his long-dead daughter among the illegal refugees, and must disobey orders to save his child and her world from destruction.
Words:32
Really having issues fitting this all in ~30 words. I would love to get into the antagonist a bit, but not sure how hard the 30-word limit is.
lxdengar:
I believe that “disobey’ still begs the question.? Disobey orders to do what?? And then do what instead?? it’s not enough to just say “No!” to orders.? The protagonist must say “Yes!” to an alternative action plan .? What is that alternative action plan?
Also: do you envision your concept as an allegory of the illegal immigration crisis affecting nations around the world?
Hi Dpg,
Yep, that’s how this idea came up in the first place. The separations of families and handling of the crisis in general has been inspiring (sadly).
I’ll play around with the action/plan. Obviously the disobey/abandon/defy his orders pits him against an antagonist(s), which is the tricky part to fit in.
Thanks for your advice!
One other thought:? I suggest narrowing the focus of his objective goal in the logline to merely saving his daughter.? That has to be the most paramount goal in any parent’s mind, right?? ?And it’s good enough for plotting purposes.
I like to view a plot as a poker game.? Initially, the protagonist only has to put in a few chips [risk, effort)]to get into the game.? The major plot points are betting rounds, where he must see and raise, put more and more? and more chips into the pot [escalating risk, effort] to stay in the game.? Ultimately, he will have to push every chip into the pot.
Transposing the poker analogy to your story, it could be that initially he thinks he can rescue his? daughter with a minimum? bet [risk and effort].? (And only his daughter:? not because he’s selfish but because he’s just one man; he doesn’t have the power, the ways and means, to rescue every one.)
Only to discover he has to make bigger bets [risk, effort].? Finally, he realizes that the only way he can save his daughter is to push every chip into the pot [including his life] to incite a rebellion that liberates the others.
fwiw