The Cast
At a popular theme park, a new dancer/actor secretly experiences grief and rivalry from the other females in the show as she tries to fit in as the new girl, and survive as slowly employees are disappearing and no one knows why.
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What is the dancer’s objective goal? What is her biggest dream? Merely to fit in, to survive?
A protagonist should be struggling to do something more than merely survive. Mere survival is the initial imperative of Tom Hank’s character in “Castaway”. But his objective goal is to get off the island, rejoin civilization.
To fit in may be the initial (Act 1) objective of the dancer. But when employees start disappearing (inciting incident) wouldn’t her objective goal (Act 2) have something to do with solving the mystery, finding out why? Before she becomes the next victim (Act 3)?
I agree with dpg, it would help to give the character a goal:
“When employee’s of the theme park begin disappearing, a shy dancer who’s the victim of bullying must prove she isn’t the killer when her fellow employees suspect she’s behind it.”
Hope that helps, good luck with this!
Maybe have it say, … At a popular theme park a new dancer/actor secretly experiences grief and rivalry from the other females as she tries to fit in, but when employees begin to mysteriously disappear and die, she has to fight to survive and find the killer before she becomes their next victim.
thanks for the input !
You don’t really need that first part in the logline:
Here is the second half of your logline, (with a small change to the character)
“when employees begin to mysteriously disappear and die, a new dancer has to fight to survive and find the killer before she becomes their next victim.”
“grief and rivalry from the other females as she tries to fit in” = “unpopular”, lopping off 11 words from the logline. That’s she unpopular implies she’s not fitting in and suffering emotionally.
Due to time zones DPG and Richiev posted my exact thoughts before I had the chance to.
I would make it more personal and specify the inciting incident more:
After her only friend is mysteriously killed an unpopular shy dancer at a busy theme park must find the murderer before more are killed and she becomes his next victim.
Hope this helps.
thanks guys for the input !