Based on true events, a lonesome Sheriff?s lieutenant takes a supernatural, spiritual journey while attempting to unravel a conspiracy involving unsolved murders and missing persons and, in the process, has his cynical worldview turned upside down.
mikestrengPenpusher
Based on true events, a lonesome Sheriff?s lieutenant takes a supernatural, spiritual journey while attempting to unravel a conspiracy involving unsolved murders and missing persons and, in the process, has his cynical worldview turned upside down.
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In all iterations of the logline thus far, the protag is described as being rather passive and emotionally disconnected. If it were me and my wife/girlfriend was killed, I’d be out there kicking ass to find the culprit – the rhetoric in a logline is as important as the details.
What specifically MUST he do as a result of his loved one’s murder? Stop the cartel? Prevent others from being killed in the same way? His motivation to react to the event must be crystal clear.
My try:
After a satanic drug syndicate murder his wife, an atheist sheriff must team up with a preacher’s daughter and the DEA to stop them from killing again.
Okay, I am going to give this another try, hopefully, this logline attempt is closer than my last one.
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“When his girlfriend (Love interest?) is ritually murdered, an atheist?sheriff is forced to team with the local preacher’s daughter and the DEA, in order to follow the dark trail of a satanic syndicate, involved trafficking and human sacrifice.”
Most stories are remarkably simple when you actually break them down. Even films that seem incredibly complicated, such as Christopher Nolan’s Inception, can still be reduced to a simple spine of story.
With this in mind, I’m struggling to understand what everything that happens with the brother and drug cartel has to do with his quest for the girl. You said that it’s the romantic pursuit of the girl that takes the protagonist on a supernatural journey – this journey being what forms the basis for your logline – ?but this has nothing to do with the the brother, the drugs cartel, or indeed the unsolved murders and conspiracy which wasn’t really covered by your synopsis. It’s a simple love story.
What are the true events? The way you’ve written some things sounds very much like they are pure fiction. Which bit’s true?
I feel like there are two completely different stories being told (based on your synopsis) and I can’t see (yet) how they are related. Firstly you need to decide what his primary goal is, is it to get the girl or to save his brother? That then gives you something to use for your inciting incident. There needs to be coherence between all the elements ?- the subplots must affect the main plot in some way. The logline, however, must focus on the main plot. Tell us his primary goal, what happened that started his journey towards this goal and what antagonistic forces he’s working against. ?As far as characteristics go, if you tell us he’s lonely but the logline doesn’t suggest a love interest then it doesn’t really give us anything. BUT tell us he’s straight-laced or by-the-book combined with a plot to do with finding out his brother is a criminal and suddenly we can see where this guy is going to go.
Hope this helps.
Agree with Richiev’s feedback. It’s all about what can be seen visually. The inner journey can be suggested though with the characteristic used to describe the protagonist. In yours, you’ve used ‘lonesome’ which suggests to me that his inner journey is to find companionship perhaps? If this isn’t the case maybe consider a different characteristic that helps us understand his internal arc. You mention ‘cynical’ previously – that works better than lonesome in my opinion. This suggests that his eyes are opened to other-worldly possibilities – perfect for a film with supernatural elements.
I appreciate that you want there to be a supernatural element to this but as Richiev has pointed out, you need to be more specific. Supernatural is very vague. Maybe the Sheriff’s girlfriend leaves behind a message and a pill for the sheriff to take that takes him on a weird drug-induced trip through some other dimension?
In your second version, you said “before someone else close to him is murdered next” – is there a connection to the Sheriff? If so, consider making that more apparent. One of the questions frequently asked is “why this guy/girl?”. There has to be a reason why the protagonist is the protagonist. It helps that he’s already close to the first victim but surely it’s the second kill that’s related to him where things really get interesting…?
Hope this helps.
Thanks Rich!
How about this?
Based on True Events, when a lonesome Sheriff?s lieutenant?s love interest is murdered, he must embark on a supernatural journey to unravel the conspiracy behind unsolved murders and missing persons before someone else close to him is murdered next.
In the Wizard of Oz Dorothy?has an inner journey. At the beginning of the film she just wants to get away from her small town, however, after all her adventures she realizes there is no place like home.
Dorothy also has an outward journey, After getting swept up by a tornado she must follow a yellow brick road to a wizard whom she is told can get her home.
Inner Journey logline:? “A small-town Kansas girl goes through a journey?of self-discovery, and through a series of events comes to the conclusion there is no place like home.”
outer Journey?logline:? “When a tornado transports her to a magical land, a small-town Kansas girl must follow a yellow brick road in order to find the wizard with the power to get her home.”
If you were to read the inner journey logline, you would have no idea what the Wizzard of Oz is actually about.
Which is why most loglines are about the outer journey story. They are about the events that happen on the screen, not the feelings and thoughts the character is having.