Broken hearted and riddled with terrifying nightmares, a once sassy Skylar Claymore struggles to get her mojo back. The loss of her husband, her home, her unborn baby and her job drives Skylar to become a drunken loose cannon. When she survives a home invasion and attempted rape, Skylar finds self-defense classes at a martial arts school to combat her fears and nightmares. When the Grandmaster unlocks a hidden talent, Skylar is drawn into an underground legion of martial artists. An excommunicated blood-thirsty member of the secret group threatens to destroy the heart of the legion. Skylar must learn to master her darkest fears to protect it.
NinaSLogliner
Broken hearted and riddled with terrifying nightmares, a once sassy Skylar Claymore struggles to get her mojo back. The loss of her husband, her home, her unborn baby and her job drives Skylar to become a drunken loose cannon. When she survives a home invasion and attempted rape, Skylar finds self-defense classes at a martial arts school to combat her fears and nightmares. When the Grandmaster unlocks a hidden talent, Skylar is drawn into an underground legion of martial artists. An excommunicated blood-thirsty member of the secret group threatens to destroy the heart of the legion. Skylar must learn to master her darkest fears to protect it.
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?When a broken hearted assault victim finds self-defence classes, a hidden talent for martial arts is unlocked. Her powers are challenged by an enemy Kung Fu clan who seek to destroy her and the school.?
The inciting incident and the goal need to be more closely related. They work as a question and an answer. The inciting incident poses a question to the protagonist – what do you do when a shark kills a tourist on your beach? The goal is how the protagonist chooses to answer it – you try to kill the shark.
With this in mind, if your goal is for the protagonist to defend the school and defeat the enemy clan then the inciting incident is the appearance of the clan. The inciting incident in this new version doesn’t really pose a question. It should be an event that flips the protagonist’s life upside down – a dramatic event. I think the discovery of a talent for martial arts is not dramatic enough. Unless it’s like superpowers… but even then, in every superhero film the inciting incident is usually the appearance of the supervillain.
If you’re worried it sounds clich?d mix it up. Consider how you can make it different. Personally, I think her backstory is the key. She’s been dealt a lot of crap and this martial arts talent could finally make her feel strong enough to go out and hunt down the bastards that raped her. Kung-fu Vigilante? This would set up an inner journey of victim -> empowered -> acceptance whilst on a quest for vengeance. Throw in a training montage and a cool 80s soundtrack and you can count me in!
Hope this helps.
Thank you for all of your feedback so far – very much appreciated. I’m still working on it – but here is my attempt at the short logline version:
“When a broken hearted assault victim finds self-defence classes, a hidden talent for martial arts is unlocked. Her powers are challenged by an enemy Kung Fu clan who seek to destroy her and the school.”
35 words is tough! Although now I think it sounds like just another clich?d martial arts film…. :/ what do you think?
Cheers,
Nina
The amount of words is a result of your own confusion about your story’s structure. Look at all the story elements that you’ve put in:
You have a character.
Be clear about what is in the backstory.
Be clear about what the main event is.
Be clear about what the main action is.
Richiev very cleverly added:
She may care about the legion, but my bet is that her mind and heart is fixed to her loss.
By the way, don’t add too much to it. Husband and unborn child is enough. Job and home she may simply abandon, due to the trauma.
You definitely have a nice revenge story there?please sort out the structure!
“After an attack, a victim of home invasion is recruited?into an underground legion of martial artists in order to take down the rival group that killed her family.”
A logline is designed to sum up the story in ideally no more than 35 words and includes the inciting incident, introduces the protagonist and tells us what their goal is. Check out the “Our formula” page for more information regarding formatting.
At 107 words, this is waaaaaaay too long. You also don’t need to include names – it adds nothing but unnecessary words. A name doesn’t tell us anything about the story and that’s all a logline is – the story condensed into 35 words or less (the fewer the better). Imagine you had to describe yourself in as fewer words as possible to someone you’d never met. Would you waste words on your name? Or would you want them to understand who you are?
Check out other loglines on this site and read the associated feedback to help you work out what you could do to yours to make it a proper logline.
For what it’s worth though, it’s an interesting premise.