Posted: 2013-06-14T22:00:08+10:00 In:

Brought together in the shadow of teleportation and world faith, neither Rupert nor Levi thought to save humanity; one must, before the other does.

The Second Coming

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    4 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      I am reading this and realize I don’t, understand what the story is about because I am uncertain of what “the shadow of teleportation” or “world faith” mean.

      Also, saying “neither thought to save humanity” doesn’t really tell us anything about the story.

      I believe if I knew what the story was about, l Would find it more interesting.

      Hope that helped, good luck with this.

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    2. Singularity

      What Richiev said.

      And why must one save humanity before the other? Why can’t they can’t do it together?

      And why do they have to save the world at all? What’s the threat?

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    3. Richiev / dpg

      I see your point, I was so wrapped in telling what happens without telling what happens!

      Looking back I think I’ve written a Tagline not a Logline!

      Thanks

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    4. Samurai

      I second (third?) the comments already made regarding the logline, but would also suggest when you do your next draft, to try and keep it clear who your protagonist is (is the audience watching a film about Rupert or Levi?)

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