Penpusher
Posted: 2020-08-05T12:18:24+10:00 In:

Claudia Amanda, a compliant daughter of a tycoon, has to entangle in an agreement to save his dad and the people behind the success of their company.

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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      What sets the story in motion? I mean specifically, “When” (This thing happens)

      Also, what is standing in the way of the lead character achieving her goal? Who is against saving the company?

      Finally, you should change the word “Entangled” it doesn’t work. In fact, you should probably drop the entire thing about an agreement if you are not going to explain it. Who does she make an agreement with, and what makes this agreement so important to the story?

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    2. Singularity

      We don’t need names in a logline. Cut that out and save yourself two words.

      “has to entangle in an agreement” this is too vague. Loglines thrive on specificity. The reader needs to be able to visualise what’s on screen and what’s in your head so try and tell us exactly what’s going on in as few words as possible. Who’s she entangling in an agreement with?

      You’ve said “daughter” but keep referring to “her” as “him”. It just makes it a little confusing to read.

      “Save [her] dad” from who? Who is the antagonist? What happens if she doesn’t save him?

      Finally, where’s the Romance? The genre should be prevalent in the logline.

      Hope this helps.

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    3. Penpusher

      The story is not clear to me. Why does Claudia need to save her dad and the people in their company? What trouble does the father encounter? What agreement does Claudia get into and with whom does she make the agreement with. What do you mean by compliant daughter? Would she rather not get into the agreement but have to because she is afraid of her father?

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