Deep in the trenches of a secret war against monsters that threaten humanity, a battle-weary young woman struggles to prepare her new trainee for combat when the truth behind her sister?s death on the frontlines comes to light.
GruntildaPenpusher
Deep in the trenches of a secret war against monsters that threaten humanity, a battle-weary young woman struggles to prepare her new trainee for combat when the truth behind her sister?s death on the frontlines comes to light.
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As Nir Shelter said.
What does discovering the death of her sister have to do with the plot?? Is it an inciting incident that sets up her objective plot goal??? Or is it something she discovers while already in pursuit of her objective goal?? If the latter, it’s extraneous for the purpose of the logline.? If the former, then a cause and effect relationship needs to be clearly stated between the death and her objective goal.
The sentence “…Deep in the trenches of a secret war against monsters that threaten humanity…” doesn’t add any new detail and provides no further clarity of the plot because it appears to use vague terms and an analogy. Is the MC literally deep in trenches or is this a colorful description?
Is she a soldier, a secret agent or just a person that found herself in the wrong place and time?
The notion of a trainee is confusing, is she part of an organization that recruits new people as trainees? Or did she just so happen to find a random person and dubbed them her trainee?
Descriptions such as “…secret war…” are confusing what does a secret war mean? Only the military is aware of it? Only the soldiers but not the officers? Why is the secrecy of the war relevant?
Describing the MC as a “…young woman…” makes her seam vague because it is a generic description that lacks character specific traits which would shape our understanding of her and what she is capable, or not, of doing.
Similar to the above “…battle-weary…” is vague because most soldiers become battle-weary after a while, instead better to describe a character flaw that would inhibit her chances of success.
Mentioning her sister’s death is unrelated to the plot and should be cut, or is finding out the truth about her sister’s death her goal? If so better to start the logline with her sister’s death as a motivation for her to discover how she died, otherwise it is an extraneous addition.
Lastly and most importantly no goal was specified in the logline and as such the plot is unclear, what does the MC actually want to achieve?
Hope this helps.
This is a pretty good setup. You also need to give a fair idea of how the story develops.