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Nicholas Andrew HallsSamurai
Desperate for his father?s approval, a conceited journalist takes a job at his small town newspaper. But when he discovers a drug scandal brewing within the local football club, he pursues the story even though it will implicate his athlete brother.
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The logline has me Dazed and Confused.
The way I see it there’s a difference between the Father actually being proud, and what the Journo thinks will make him proud… He (the journo) is prepared to do anything to gain his Father’s approval… He’s reading, to me anyway, as an anti-hero… at best.. at worst, just an A#*hole…. but I couldn’t even work out the thread — so who’s confused?
>> I need to stress the desire for fatherly affection is what prompts him to throw his brother under the bus, so to speak
Now I’m really confused. The father would be proud to see his journalist son throw the athletic son under the bus?
… I can’t believe I used referenced your own feedback as advice to your own film… I guess that’s a pretty good sign you know what you’re doin..! ;)… me on the other hand… 😉
Sh*# ! — Sorry Nicholasandrewhalls/ Michael — I’ve completely messed up on the posting sequence here…. I was reading it thinking the logline was posted by Michael… 😮
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..mega bain-freeze 🙂
Thanks for the feedback Tony. Just to clarify, this logline is one I wrote – Michael was just commenting that he feels feedback on the logline shouldn’t include changes to the plot or structure of the film. I actually don’t mind it, as I’m using the logline to ensure the story is as tight as can be before writing it, so any suggested changes that need to happen at a story level are appreciated.
Points taken on the unsympathetic character – I actually want him to reveal himself to be a pretty shitty human being as the story progresses. But I think you’re right that for the logline I need to stress the desire for fatherly affection is what prompts him to throw his brother under the bus, so to speak.
Hi Michael,
My advice would be to condense this into one sentence — for a couple of reasons:
1. Some people suggest you can GET AWAY with two sentences — but — being able to concisely state your story in one sentence indicates to the reader of the logline that you have skill as a writer and most probably have a well constructed story… Just peruse some of the loglines on this site and you will quickly see that the one sentence loglines tend to stand out like a gleaming ray of sunshine in an otherwise desolate post apocalyptic landscape. Each to their own in that regard I guess, but why take the risk?
2. With the current two sentence structure the hero’s motivation gets lost, and I think nicholasandrewhalls hit the nail on the head, in that, it is unclear if he goes after the drug story (and in turn his brother..) because he is seeking approval from his (Tyrannical/ Stern/ Disapproving…???) father. At the moment it reads as though he goes after the story just because he is conceited… Not a very sympathetic character… My suggestion here, and not to mess with the plot, just the logline, would be something like this:
‘To gain his disparaging Father’s approval, a young conceited journalist must pursue a story that would implicate his brother in a drug scandal at the local football club’
And lastly — I can understand when strangers start messing with a story you’ve probably spent months (if not years…) working on it can drive you crazy– but we’re mainly fellow screenwriters here, and our imaginations tend to run wild… maybe a prerequisite of the job… 😉
Good Luck.
Your feedback is mindless stupidity at it’s worst and the blatant attack towards me is laughable.
Best case scenario: READ “Save The Cat!”.
It does sound better, smoother. Just don’t turn it into a mathematical equation, by going too far. You’ve definitely got it down. It would make a great TV GUIDE description and that’s kind of what they’re looking for. The original sounds like a bumper before the previous show ends and before the next movie begins.
Here again, you’re assuming the plot. Or giving suggestion on what would work better. Let’s assume the work is already completed and we’re now making our log line to send to whoever we’re going to send it to. Your suggestion on the plot point is probably not going to help at that point. And if I sent in a log line and the person I sent it to said “why don’t we do this and why don’t we do that”. I would say “hey who’s actually writing this?”
Let’s focus on the actual log line.
This is like the publisher saying “Let’s add Blah Blah Blah to your book so that we can make the back cover sound better.”
It’s an interesting question. I think the under the bus concept would have to be clear. I thought when the “But…” came in, it was a midpoint.
Maybe: “… brother’s career and a father’s love”. ?? (this is just a guess)
ATM It’s a tricky one, but with a little word grease it could work. 😀
Sorry, I’ve been unclear in my question. Don’t you think the irony of the story, not the drug scandal itself, works better if to impress the father he throws his brother under the bus? Thus, requiring clarification early on that his motivation is to impress the father?
The change of setting could be ironic to the event // action:
“… chases a rehabilitation center’s brewing drug scandal…”
The dad could have a career choice that ironically reflects the situation:
“Seeking the approval of his addiction counsellor father, a…”
The journalist is in an ironic position:
“… a recovering drug addicted journalist chases a football…”
URGENCY + GOAL = MOTIVATION
I like the concept: Green Street Hooligans meets Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas 😀
Don’t you think the irony of pursuing the drug scandal works better if we know that the protagonist’s driving motivation is for his father’s approval, even if it means destroying the career (and I guess life and dreams) of another member of his family?
“Sending shockwaves throughout a local community, an arrogant journalist chases a football club?s brewing drug scandal which may implicate his brother?s career.”
Hope this helps. 😀
Tor