Terminal Condition
Desperate to cure her husband's terminal illness, a young socialite turns to an enigmatic scientist whose treatment works – but leaves the patient with a murderous appetite.
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I really like this a lot. If I were to change something it would be “whose treatment works-but leaves the patient with a murderous appetite.” You could generalize it and say something about the treatment having dire drawbacks.
Who’s the protagonist, the wife or the husband?
Great question – the young socialite is the protagonist, the husband becomes the antagonist at the hands of the enigmatic scientist.
Could the woman seek the cure for her own terminal illness? In that way, as the protagonist, she would be more directly confronting the enigmatic scientist. (Hubby could still be there as an ally and/or collateral damage.)
Just a thought.
I thought about having the woman dealing with her own disease, or the husband dealing with his. I like the way it is now for a couple of reasons: I like the notion of taking two people who are in love and turning them against each other (they have it all, and so will suffer terribly); I like the idea of the young socialite discovering something money can’t buy; and it works well with the “Be careful what you wish for” theme.
I was originally much more specific, to where it was “on the nose.” “Murderous appetite” is a euphamism for what his actual cravings become. I also tried more general – using “sinister personality changes,” but it didn’t feel specific enough. I’d love to hear from more folks, though, whether they feel general is better.
Since you only have 25 words or so — and fewer seconds — to grab and hold a reader’s attention, I think it is advisable to be more “on the nose” on some details. But, of course, there are no hard and fast rules of how “nosey” to be.
The desired goal of a logline is to hook my interest with a great concept, an irresistable twist. If the “miracle cure” turns the patient into a “murderous psychopath” that keens my curiosity; I want to know more. Where as “murderous appetite” only confuses me.
And I’m still confused.