Target Practice
Karel SegersLogliner
Devon Howard has built the best police force in the history of New York City. Now they’re turning on him. Will Howard win the war on crime and lose the troops?
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I’m assuming that Devon Howard is chief of police (like the character name btw, not sure needed in logline though). I’m fascinated by the concept. Needs more information to grab me though. Left with lots of questions. Why is he losing the troops? Some indiscretion on his part? Corruption, adultery?? Agree with Karel that you need to state a specific aim rather than just winning the war on crime, which doesn’t really mean anything and isn’t plausible.
Overall, v interesting concept, needs more specifics.
Should never put the name who is Howard a cop..? If so just mention a “cop”
I see what everyone else is saying here, but it definitely intrigues me. I would, however, prefer to know the function of the main character.
I agree with the previous comments. If you replace the name (especially as you use both first and last names) you could include both his job and a one word description. Such as Determined Mayor, Noble Chief.
Also, it’s a little vague. Why are they turning on him? And what’s at stake if they do? His life, his job? A little more concrete specifics would go a long way.
Thanks guys!
Also, a logline should be one sentence. You have three and there shouldn’t be a question in it either. I do agree with the comments above. I don’t think you need the characters name, but rather his function would be better.
Ed is right. Better to give us the hero’s FUNCTION as well.
Read the section on how to write loglines on this site, or get a copy of the Writer’s Development Kit (http://bit.ly/listkit).
Also ‘win the war on crime’ is loose and open ended. What does this mean? Does he need to capture the top crime boss? Clarify this in the logline so we have an idea of where this is heading.
The three act set-up is done well, but I don’t find the ‘story’ appealing, for a number of reasons: 1) Who is Devon Howerd? Police Chief? Mayor? Perhaps changing the name to one of these, and not being specific with a specific name will help.
The troops are turning on him? In what way? A strike? Not accepting his authority? What do you mean? How has he developed the best of NY’s finest and have them ‘turn on him’? Doesn’t quite give me enough info to capture my interest.