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bec
Posted: July 15, 20132013-07-15T18:30:45+10:00 2013-07-15T18:30:45+10:00In: Public

Diane Perry the sickly daughter of an East End Fishmonger searches for perfection. She will find faith in the East, but only one Eastern monk will find faith in her.

The Mind Unshaken

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    7 Reviews

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    1. almiiitey Penpusher
      2013-07-15T20:14:58+10:00Added an answer on July 15, 2013 at 8:14 pm

      Dear bec,

      Your logline captured my imagination–a journey from the East End to the Far East hooks me into your story. What is the inciting incident? What happened to your main character that was powerful enough to start her on this journey? Is it because she is “sickly”? Looking forward to learning more about your logline.

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    2. dpg Singularity
      2013-07-16T04:32:41+10:00Added an answer on July 16, 2013 at 4:32 am

      Searching for perfection is a noble –and delusional — quest. It is also a quest to fulfill a subjective need. A perfect state of being — what does that look like on a movie screen?

      Loglines are about objective goals, about objects sought [the buried gold] or actions achieved [crossing the finish line first] that provide visual confirmation to the audience that the goal has been reached. Objective goals are means to subjective ends, but in a logline the focus is on the objective, not the subjective.

      So what is her objective goal— the means — to fulfilling her subjective need for perfection?
      What is at stake? What happens if she fails to reach her objective goal?
      Who and/or what opposes her, stands in the way of getting what she wants?

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    3. 2013-07-16T12:31:24+10:00Added an answer on July 16, 2013 at 12:31 pm

      Dear DPG: Thanks for your feedback. Your questions have given me valuable insight into the story I wish to tell. I have posted my synopsis for the story as feedback if you wish to take a look at it. I agree that an objective need must be satisfied and thank you for pointing it out to me that it should be highlighted in the logline. In answer to your questions: Her objective goal is to become a Tibetan Buddhist Nun (the means to fulfilling her subjective need for perfection). If she fails to reach her objective goal she will be a Monastry secretary for the rest of her life and more importantly Tibetan Buddhist Nuns will never be fully accepted as equals in their faith. Who/what opposes her? Her family and friends of origin, The Tibetan monks, the Tibetan dogma, Tibetan nuns, unimaginable cold, wild animals, near starvation, Blizzards and an Avalanche and later, her own body and finally her own beliefs. DPG your help is sincerely appreciated so a big thank you for your time and expertise. Bec

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    4. dpg Singularity
      2013-07-16T13:22:46+10:00Added an answer on July 16, 2013 at 1:22 pm

      Bec:

      While I greatly esteem the teachings and praxis of Buddhism, I’m dubious about the ability to dramatize its profound essence, certainly to a mass audience. I defer to others who may be more enlightened on the task.

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    5. 2013-07-16T16:27:08+10:00Added an answer on July 16, 2013 at 4:27 pm

      Dear DPG: I have written the script already to my satisfaction. What I am having difficulty with is the logline and showing the scope of the story. …thanks for your contribution. Bec

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    6. dpg Singularity
      2013-07-17T10:09:12+10:00Added an answer on July 17, 2013 at 10:09 am

      LOGLINE:
      A crippled young woman joins a Tibetan monastery in India, the only nun among 1,000 monks, and struggles to win acceptance as a spiritual equal.

      25 words. The story defenestrated of its convoluted story line and complex themes.

      NOTES:

      OBJECTIVE GOAL:
      Some may object that “win acceptance as a spiritual equal” is too vague to be an objective goal. Perhaps, but the struggle to attain that goal can be visually demonstrated to an audience with before and after scenes, gestures, dialogue, etc. that dramatize the peripety from discrimination and rejection to equality and acceptance.

      CHARACTER FLAW:
      The logline convention is to tag the protagonist with a character flaw, a vice, a weakness from which can be inferred the transformation character arc (the explication of which is beyond the scope of a logline). That the protagonist in this story has scoliosis is a physical flaw — but it is not a character flaw.

      I have a somewhat heterodoxic concept of the “flaw”. IMHO, in some stories what constitutes the “flaw” is a matter of context. That is, an character quality that is a noble virtue, and admirable strength in one context — or at least a neutral quality — can be a fatal flaw, a debilitating weakness in another.

      So what is the protagonist’s “flaw” in the context of the cultural milieu and traditional praxis of the monastery?

      She’s female.

      Which, of course, is no flaw at all. Ironically and perversely, it is the monks who hold the bag of the “character flaw”. And consequently, while the protagonist must engage in a spiritual battle within, externally and objectively her antagonists are the monks and their bigotry.

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    7. 2013-07-17T10:29:56+10:00Added an answer on July 17, 2013 at 10:29 am

      A big thank you DPG! You did a damn fine job of simplifying a complex storyline. I am grateful for your efforts! Thank you!

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