Title: Call of the Mermaids.
Genre: Fantasy.
Aserme was caught in the net of a fishing trawler. Her sisters try to find her, aided by some humans the search is intensified. But her father King Neptune wants her back, now. Regardless of the cost.
Distraught that his favourite daughter was captured. King Neptune wanted her back, now he is getting angry, very angry.
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Getting your punctuation right is as important as rooting out typoes. Also, why does Neptune want his daughter back, aside from the obvious (which still needs to be explained). I feel this is not a fresh idea (see Splash! or The Little Mermaid). If it is not a cutesy, kids’ or quasi-Shakesperean setting, I also think a less fairytale name for the king is important. God forbid, if this is a serious exploration of the mermaid sub-genre, the Neptune name rubs up against the “realism” that such a world could exist.
What I wrote is not a new idea, films about Mermaids have been done before. My story is a variation on what has been done before and was written in such a way that it sounds new.
I’m not as concerned about the “freshness” of the concept as I am the logline itself, and this one needs works still. It sounds more like a tagline than an actual logline. Let’s break it down:
Protag- King Neptune, I assume.
Antag- Unknown (be specific)
Goal- to get daughter back (favourite daughter? Who has favoured children?)
Inner Conflict- if it’s his “favourite”, we’d expect him to go after her at any cost; it’s his kid. If you make THIS relationship conflicting in some way, like a mean, ungrateful step-child, that would add to the conflict.
Outer Conflict- instead of having the family- and humans- willing to help, you might change it to NO ONE help him, and in fact, impede his chances of saving her. The key is to create a conflict not only in the overall plot, but in each and every scene as well.
Irony- none mentioned yet. Neptune is God of the seas. In order to make “it” ironic, he’ll have to be unable to swim, or have to spend a lot of time on land, rendering his powers relatively useless. This could add to a lot of comedy. Imagine the God of the Seas in an office environment at the corporation that runs the fishing trawlers, let’s say, and during a dispute, controls the water in a 1000 gallon tank, splashing over the Board of Directors, having fish flop everywhere!
Genre- not clear
Hook- King Neptune in live action walking about current day America (or wherever)? That’s pretty original and intriguing, so I definitely think it’s worth pursuing.
You must include a scene at the Neptune Society. Maybe he can complain about all of the bodies and cremains being dumped and “buried” in his seas?
Good luck! Hope this was helpful.
Are you saying that a logline has to state who the protagonist is, who the antagomist is? The goal, the inner conflict, the outer conflict, the irony, the hook?
MY story has already been written, if you want to write one that is your choice but please don’t tell me I’ve got to add this or that.
Then you put Genre not clear? The story has Neptune, and mermaids. My attempt at a logline is about mermaids and Neptune. As I wrote, it is fantasy.
Why must I include a scene at the Neptune Society?
Yes, of course it does. These things have to be clear, as these are the questions the producers will be looking to satisfy.
Here is how the process works, generally speaking: you write a screenplay, and you send it out, or somehow an agent or a producer reads the hears of it. The logline is USUALLY the only thing they read to determine if they want to read the script. That’s it- the logline. This is why this very site was created. This is why there are businesses that do nothing BUT create loglines for people.
My comment about the Neptune Society was partially in jest. I assumed it was a going to be an animated children’s story, of sorts, then I started thinking how unique it would be to make it live action, like “Mermaid” did. My thoughts got away from me. Clearly you have your own story, already in place, and I wish you nothing but the best for it.
Sharkeatingman has made a pretty good analysis of your logline and the recommendations make sense. Check out our section on how to write a logline and you’ll understand.
Here is another issue with the logline: apart from “now he is getting angry”, everything is in past tense. This suggests that either this stuff is backstory or Act 1 material.
In other words, all you’re promising for Act 2 is an angry character.
Again, I suspect the issue is not your story but the logline.
Read some of the other loglines on this site and their related comments. You’ll figure it out pretty quickly.
sharkeatingman,
strangely enough I did think about writing it as screen capture, but changed my mind and wrote it to be normal. I thought the underwater scenes might appear less than good. Thanks for your comments, even though I didn’t say so, they are helpful.
The antagonist is the guy who finds her in the net on the fishing trawler, oddly enough his first thoughts are, how much will I get for her.
The protagonists are the humans who help find Aserme.
Karel Segers,
up until,’Now he is getting angry’, is act 1 material, act 2 deals with finding Aserme. Act 3 has what he does when his anger is released.